Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Always known as a person capable of fitting a square peg in a round hole, you offer a new direct service from Mobile to Denver or Chicago aboard Gotcha scooters. The trips may take a few weeks and are exponentially more expensive than Frontier Airlines flights, but they are accompanied with a free “and boy are my legs tired!” joke upon arrival.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll begin to dig a bomb-proof bunker in preparation for the inevitable nuclear war with Iran. But only after you take your last breath while submerged in South Alabama’s high water table will you realize you should have made it waterproof too.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After years of training in “Call of Duty,” you’ll be prepared when the draft is reinstated during World War III. Unfortunately, with their oil-rich economy, the Iranian government will be able to afford the Season 3 DLC — putting you and other soldiers at a sizeable disadvantage.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Enthralled by the 2020 Bonnaroo lineup, you’ll make the mistake of thinking an overweight 30-something should attend a four-day musical festival. Without the youth and tolerance of yesteryear, your summer trip will end with you chaffed and crying in a cheap tent.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll face a formidable, heavyset new foe on the tennis court, who subjects you to relentless aces, volleys and kick serves, despite his inexperience. Realizing you’ve been outmatched, you give up the sport altogether to pursue a new passion as a neighborhood magazine cover model.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Tired of having to wash muddy paw prints off your sheets three times a day, you’ll finally get rid of the dog door you had installed. The pup won’t like it, but you’ll use the money you save on water bills to buy a $3,000 “Peloton for Dogs.”
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Hoping for the success of restaurants like Lambert’s Cafe in Foley, you’ll open up a throwed food emporium next to Buc-ee’s on the Baldwin Beach Express. Everything at the eatery will be tossed, even the soup you will eventually add to the menu.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Since annexation has been such a controversial idea, you’ll come to the council with a plan to split the 270,000 residents living in the area into three separate cities. The enclaves of East Mobile, West Mobile and Central Mobile will become their own municipalities by the end of 2020.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll become politically active for the first time when the Iranians hack into and subsequently shut down the computer system at your favorite doughnut shop. Nothing will persuade you to vote more than a literal snack attack.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll at first get depressed when a public official makes a fat joke at your expense. However, it will inspire your gluttony and just one month later you will have easily eclipsed four bills. You showed real perseverance in the face of grave odds. Way to go!
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — The “new year, new you” mantra will take on special meaning when just two weeks into 2020, you’ll once again start cutting your toenails in bed and leaving the remnants for your significant other to find later.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Now that the two most storied franchises in NFL history are out of the playoff picture, you’ll Google “what are some other football teams?” Thinking you have the answer, you’ll bet your entire February paycheck that Liverpool F.C. will win Super Bowl LIV.
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