Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Having failed to meet the 10-pound weight loss goal during last year’s Scale Back Alabama, you’re reluctant to go on the record with a teammate in 2020. But enticed by the $1,000 prize, you and a friend will cheat the weigh-in with a wheel of cheese tucked under your sweater.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Suddenly addicted to miniature crossword puzzles, you have trouble focusing at work until you can solve a streak of at least five in a minute or less. Failing to achieve your goal in most attempts by more than 60 seconds, you give up and go back to being distracted by literally everything else.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll attend an upcoming debate to get to know the GOP congressional candidates ahead of the March primary. Hearing a range of diverse views, you’ll learn that some candidates agree with Trump, others support Trump and a few are flat out physically attracted to him.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Concerned and perplexed about Clemson’s strange-looking mascot, you’ll stage an intervention on what, by all accounts, appears to be a meth-addled leopard. Coach Dabo Swinney will accuse you of undervaluing “one of the best mascots in the country.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Concerned about your gutters, you’ll finally make an attempt to clean them out over the weekend. Your skills on a ladder have always been subpar, and you’ll undergo a full-on, Ivan Ilyich-style tumble. Provided you survive 2020, you’ll pay a neighbor to do the job next year.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As a concerned businessman, you’ll take up an initiative to address crime in underserved communities by putting up billboards that read: “Hey! Quit doing all that crime.” There won’t be much initial response, though the generational impact is hard to measure.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After buying your dog a “freeze-dried duck head” at a boutique pet store, you’ll realize that hearing an animal you sleep in bed with crushing another animal’s skull is off putting. But, with a new taste for fowl, your pup will be hired to clear out Canadian geese in Fairhope.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Things will change drastically for you after being “EXPOSED” in a Project Veritas video. The grainy footage will finally prove to America that you sometimes get drunk and have bad takes on politics.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll go berzerk when your favorite brand of after-work relaxation wine is linked to tariffs placed on European goods. You’ll organize a demonstration, à la the Boston Tea Party, where you pour bottles of wine into the river.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your plan for the most epic prank at the Gulf Coast Exploreum Science Center backfires when nobody notices you casually lying across the open mouth of a replica dinosaur and pretending to be dead.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Frontier leaving the downtown airport opens up space for your newest brainchild: individual drone travel. Your plan allows travelers to sign up to be carried by drone to locations far and wide.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — It’s all fun and games when you buy one of those cliché horse masks off Amazon to make humorous drinking videos with your friends. But you’ve forgotten it’s deer season in Alabama, and the hunters have been drinking, too.
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