Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Do to their coinciding time slots, you’ll be able to live out a lifelong dream of watching a presidential impeachment trial and the Australian Open at the same time. Staying up until 4 a.m. is always the best decision, but who can pass up an opportunity like this?
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — When an ex takes a job as a local prosecutor, you’ll be sentenced to 50 years in prison for a murder you didn’t commit. It will stay on your permanent record, but you’ll be out of jail in time for Mardi Gras thanks to Alabama’s absurd criminal justice system.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll sell off your home and two cars in order to buy one of the overpriced tickets to Super Bowl LIV. Even though you don’t pull for either team in the contest, as a Dolphins fan it may be the only time you’ll see a Lombardi Trophy in Miami before you die.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In a quest to put your collegiate minor concentration to some practical use, you drive to Foley to practice speaking French at Oui Oui Paris. Suddenly drawing a blank, all you manage to order is a Royale with cheese.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a protest against the Alabama Department of Transportation, you establish an eight-lane roadblock on Birmingham’s freshly rebuilt interstate bridges and start collecting a $6 toll. Joke’s on you though — everyone else knows the Magic City is full of liberals whose socialist money is only worth 10 cents to the strong American Trump dollar.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You shake up the king cake community when you ditch the baby in favor of baking a full-grown adult man into one of your sweet confections. As punishment for your transgressions, you’ll be excommunicated from the royal family and spend the rest of your life in exile in Canada.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Inspired by the solidarity at a recent Virginia gun rights rally, you begin to plan a peaceful demonstration for your cohorts in the underground explosives community. Everything will go swimmingly until a comrade known only by his screen name Kaczynski decides it’s time to light a cigarette.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Given the success of OWA across the bay, you’ll convince the Mobile County Commission to turn the soccer complex property into an amusement park. It won’t be long until you receive threats from Mobile sports dads in the form of bloody soccer balls.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Feeling angsty over the failed bridge project, you’ll propose Mobile leaders impose a user fee on anyone crossing the Bayway with a “five” on their license plate. When Eastern Shore mayors do the same for “two”s, no one will cross the bay.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — An argument over the best burger in the area will escalate to an all-out, in-office brawl. Human resource officers will retreat in shame after you begin pelting them with year-old ketchup packets. There will be many, many suspensions.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Irritated by the slight inconvenience of Mobile’s two-day spate of cold weather, you’ll pitch the idea of protecting the Port City from inclement conditions with an appropriately sized dome. The city will suffer due to a lack of tourism and residents’ inability to ever leave.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — To protest the council’s slow movement on legislation to bring Amtrak back to Mobile, you’ll attempt to wrestle control of a freight train from a conductor and take it to New Orleans. You won’t make it out of the Port before attack dogs perform a savage take down.
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