Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Very confused by the term “human train” being used by pro-Amtrak demonstrators at a recent meeting of the Mobile City Council, you’ll show up to Government Plaza next week dressed as a very promiscuous woodchuck.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — The world will be so distracted by the news of John Bolton’s “explosive” knowledge of President Trump’s quid pro quo that everyone will miss your recent tweets solving the Jeffrey Epstein murder conspiracy. Reviewing all the evidence, you conclude he was simply performing an aerial fabric dance in his cell when he accidentally became entangled and strangled himself.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In an attempt to prevent an infection by the dreaded Coronavirus, you’ll switch to Modelo and Dos Equis the next time you order drinks at a Mexican restaurant. But alas, during one of these hasty substitutions you’ll contract an unpleasant case of Tecate-rhea, necessitating a 24-hour bathroom quarantine.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Still unsure of who to pull for in Super Bowl LIV, you decide to take a whirlwind trip to both cities to determine which one has a greater chance of being the safest, most business- and family-friendly city in America by 2020. San Francisco is too expensive and the murder rate in Kansas City is too high, so the obvious choice is Fairhope, where most of your employees live anyway.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Reading about how much people love their pet dogs, you have a change of heart and decide to shutter your illegal Cavalier King Charles Spaniel dog fighting operation before it even begins. Seeking alternative uses for the vicious breed, you eventually resolve to employ them in their only other practical application: live toupees.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — A long-lost uncle, who was a potato chip magnate, leaves you a fortune in crisp, 100-dollar bills. Ironically, you’ll blow the money on potato chips, but not just any chips — a lifetime supply of Zapp’s Voodoo chips, the world’s best snack.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — To help avoid interference with Mobile’s port traffic, you will propose to build a cannon-style implement that will shoot a train from Mississippi, over the port, to a station at Brookley. The product, called “The Pascagoula Gun,” will be a huge hit and ease tension over the return of passenger rail service.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Disagreements over how to grow the quaint little hamlet will force you, a prospective resident, away from Fairhope and into Loxley. Come for the beach traffic along the only thoroughfare through town and stay for the charming ambiance of every building being a former church.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — In the near future, everything you will have ever hoped for will come true. Just kidding. Your children will still fight each other, your dog will like you less than your significant other and the shower will run out of hot water right as you lather up. Enjoy the little things, though. Life is short.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — To steal attention from Pennsylvania’s Punxsutawney Phil, you’ll train a nutria to predict weather patterns. Mobile Mel will be a hit until you’re ratted out and turned into state authorities for the unlicensed domestication of the animal.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In attempt to add to local lore, like the rumor Mobile leaders at one point voted down Walt Disney World, you’ll speculate the city actually could’ve been the location of Wall Street if it hadn’t been for the pesky decisions of leaders of yesteryear. Why not go for it? It’s as accurate as all the others.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After hearing the term during every consequential debate in the history of Mobile municipal politics, you’ll start touring the area with a rock band named “The City of Perpetual Potential.” Much like city politics, your music will soon become stale and repetitive.
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