Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — To further its public rebranding, the Alabama Board of Pardons and Paroles will create a College GameDay-style show where celebrity guests predict the outcomes of hearings. Director Charlie Graddick, the Lee Corso of Justice, will serve as a co-anchor.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After publicly comparing Austal’s sacred littoral combat ship to the F-35 flying money pit, you’ll start receiving anonymous phone calls accusing you of being unpatriotic. You’ll change your tune when things escalate and you start finding loose boat parts in your bed.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — With the fallout from the Iowa caucuses still looming large, Alabama will continue to not use digital voting mechanisms and, in fact, will regress to using chisels and stone tablets. Eventually, the state will just halt elections altogether to ensure there isn’t any voter fraud.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Eager to get ahead of the state legislature’s approval of medical marijuana, you put Cypress Hill’s “Dr. Greenthumb” on repeat and prepare your greenhouse for a bountiful fall harvest. But failing to gain a certified diagnosis for alien hand syndrome, you decide to abandon your plans and spend the next legislative session air jerking in the House of Representatives’ gallery.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be saddened to learn your Clint Eastwood-style film about a seedy lefitst political firm hamfistedly named “Shadow Inc.” is getting lost in the discussion about the actual seedy lefitst political firm named “Shadow Inc.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — The 23andMe test you got your father for Christmas will backfire after his DNA is used to link you to a decades-old crime. While it ultimately turns out the actual suspect is a child from your dad’s secret second marriage, it will still definitely seem like a bad gift in hindsight.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Seeing the early results, you’ll mount a last-minute bid for the presidency. While you won’t win, could never have won and should never have won, you will waste money and embarrass your family.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After seeing hundreds of MoonPies wheeled into City Hall, you’ll be shocked when officials aren’t seen throwing them during Mardi Gras. In an attempt to figure out why, you’ll discover Mobile’s biggest secret: There’s a Sarlacc under Government Plaza that eats MoonPies.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be excited to have your daily NPR programming back on the air after weeks of wall-to-wall impeachment coverage. A sense of normalcy will be restored as you get back to learning about niche businesses, general news minutiae and really bad folk bands.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Much to the concern of British people, the Jacksonville Jaguars will settle their dispute with fans by flying thousands of Floridans to their 2020 games in London. The world will look on in horror as the first air-brushed Union Jack T-shirts are rolled out.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In celebration of the first days of Alabama’s 2020 legislative session, you’ll start underpaying your bills, ignoring your personal healthcare and finding value in meaningless gestures like forcing children to say the Pledge of Allegiance or use cursive letters.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Despite your best efforts to keep it secret, the public will find out you dubbed your cats Big Kitty and Little Kitty due to their respective sizes. After weeks of being ridiculed for the name choices, you’ll console yourself by getting a third furry companion — Medium Kitty.
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