Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll be worried when your mugshot appears on the notorious “Arrested in Mobile” web page. But after noticing the commenters mocking you are too cowardly to use their own names or faces, you’ll realize trash making fun of you ain’t that bad.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — As an avid supporter of the U.S. Constitution and a proponent of justice, you’ll endorse a new law eliminating pre-trial bonds in Alabama. When pressed on the hypocrisy of this, you’ll argue the founding fathers only really cared about the first two amendments.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Wanting to get in on the latest internet craze, you’ll attempt to make your broom stand up on its bristles. After trying for nearly an hour, you’ll realize your significant other created #broomstickchallenge as an elaborate ruse to get you to sweep the floor.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — In preparation for Mardi Gras, you’ll start practicing to make sure your “throw catching” skills are up to standard. Sadly, you’ll cause a fire at the local batting cage after shoving beads, a MoonPie, a bag of rice, a koozie and a frisbee into a pitching machine at one time.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — As an avid supporter of the return of passenger rail service to Mobile, you’ll be equally as excited for the city’s latest foray into old-timey public transportation: Port City Balloons. With hot air travel an option, it’ll be easier than ever to add several hours to your daily commute.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Disappointed your favorite film of the year didn’t receive an Oscar, you’ll accept that art is subjective and that others may have had a different opinion. Just kidding — you’ll take to Twitter and call anyone who doesn’t love what you love as much as you love it a facist.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Days later, you’ll still be in the doghouse for forgetting Valentine’s Day. Well, actually, most the ire you’ll receive will stem not from forgetting the holiday, but from buying a chocolate cheesecake and then eating all of it without ever realizing it was Feb. 14.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Tired from a week of working for “The Man,” the last thing you’ll want to do is take your sweetie out for a Friday night Valentine’s date. So, you won’t. Your significant other will find you asleep and drooling with half an Ambien missing. You’ll have to make it up on the next holiday, President’s Day.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll be arrested and severely punished for your role in a red light camera protest, after the city installs the surveillance devices at every intersection. The protest, known as “deface your accusers,” calls on activists to spray paint over all the cameras.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — To capitalize on the early success of Gotcha scooters, and also ignoring safety concerns, you’ll organize a scooter skills challenge in downtown Mobile. With events like “cut off oncoming traffic” and “wrong way down a one way,” the event will explode in popularity and lawsuits.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After meeting Anderson Cooper in Mobile, you’ll decide to undergo a stunning transformation to look just like the man many refer to as a “silver fox.” Unfortunately, you’ll dye your hair and get unnecessary glasses, but will still have the same weird face you were born with.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Hearing about the city’s new “soft” enforcement of unregistered golf carts at Mardi Gras parades, you’ll decide to ride a horse to the Boom Boom. After being mistaken for a parade participant, you’ll be ushered beyond the barricades and lustily booed for not bringing any throws with you.
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