Pisces (2/19-3/20) — While attending a Mardi Gras parade, you’ll intercept a football thrown by former Crimson Tide star A.J. McCarron. High and to the left, it will be an easy read. It remains unclear whether the same outcome would have occurred were the both of you not drunk.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be surprised when your estranged father is pardoned by President Trump. Sentenced to life in prison, even he didn’t expect that a single jailhouse tweet reading “#TrumpTrain2020” would have been enough to win the favor of the world’s most powerful man.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — In an effort to cut short a phone call from your mother, you’ll lie and say that you’re about to walk into a meeting. After hanging up an hour later, you’ll wonder how long the conversation could have gone on if you hadn’t been dishonest.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Excited to finally use an Outback Steakhouse gift card you received at an office Christmas party, you’ll order entirely too much food, exceed the limit and then not have enough money to leave a tip. The waitress will be upset, just like she was when you did this last year.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your day off on Fat Tuesday will take a frustrating turn when you realize the Mari Gras crowds have blocked your car in the garage of your downtown loft. Fortunately, you’ll have most of the groceries you needed to pick up thrown at you from passing floats.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — “Fat Weekend” will be disrupted by severe gastrointestinal troubles stemming from eating a partially opened MoonPie off the ground, or ingesting 27 mango White Claws in a five-hour period. Either way, Joe Cain Day will be spent on the “People’s Toilet.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll be shocked when you agree to meet up with your parents Joe Cain Day, only to spot them on the street wearing tiny latex outfits and making out next to a pot of gold. You’ll do the wise thing and quickly walk away, change your last name and destroy all family photos. Your new name should have the word “butter” in it.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You can’t tell whether Mardi Gras or the Mercury retrograde is to blame, but suddenly, your house is full of curiously scented stuffed animals. While most will be sent to Goodwill along with your new plastic cup collection, others may remain on the lam until Christmas.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — When a series of birthdays at work leads to you eating cupcakes every day for a week, you’ll grow concerned. Asking around, it becomes clear no one actually knows their coworkers’ birthdays and, mathematically, someone has to be lying to get free cupcakes.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — After Bob Baumhower opened Las Floriditas in the basement of the Trustmark building, you’ll attempt to one-up him by putting a Space Needle-style kitchen inside the giant MoonPie on top of the building. Fred Richardson becomes your top customer.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — After the coronavirus kept customers trapped on a cruise ship, you’ll swear off traveling for the foreseeable future. The problem is your job plus your love of only lounging and watching TV keeps you from wanting to travel anyway.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Just in time for the end of Mardi Gras, you’ll open up a bakery called “King of Cake.” It will feature the titular delicacy and other goodies. You’ll be forced to close after it comes out you’re simply repackaging better king cakes and reselling them.
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