Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll give up fast food for Lent, vowing to only eat the deliciously unhealthy fare on Sundays. However, you only eat at Chick-fil-A. Maybe it’s the “big man” playing a joke on you, but you’ll realize the establishment is closed on Sundays. Cheaters never win.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Looking for a topple a giant, you challenge Grand Bay “American Idol” contestant Doug Kiker to a sing-off. While he clearly has the better voice, you win over the judges by singing audience favorites from Jimmy Buffett. Somehow, though, you end up being the garbage man.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — For a fun change of pace, you’ll give up logic and reason for Lent. It’ll be fun to crawl the internet for the latest in flat Earth conspiracies, or to argue breathlessly against gambling in a state surrounded by other states with gambling operations. You’ll also begin rooting for Auburn sports.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — They say the best revenge costs a ton of money, so you’ll buy a second home next door to a neighbor you hate. The second mortgage you can’t afford will be well worth it as you let the lawn grow out and replace all the windows with particle board just to make them mad.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — With beads scattered in more places in your house than in downtown Mobile, you’ll attempt to clean up after a rowdy Mardi Gras season. Under piles of MoonPie wrappers and dried ramen bricks, you’ll find your dignity, which had disappeared for two weeks.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Exhausted and hungover from a season full of Carnival fun, you’ll dry heave at the prospect of a year-round Mardi Gras. You’ll jokingly think about what other holidays could go on forever. Maybe Christmas, or Halloween. You’ll settle on never-ending Toyotathon before puking in a nearby garbage can.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Seeking an easy pay raise, you’ll apply to the Mobile City Council to be a municipal judge. When asked about your law school education, you’ll claim your degree is from Life University. When asked about your experience as a jurist, you’ll answer, “nun ya.” You won’t get the job.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be saddened by the prospect that Amendment One will easily pass in a March 3 referendum, until you learn the state school board makes most of its decisions by members throwing darts at two pieces of paper on the wall. You’ll be relieved and clearly able to vote “yes.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Fed up with your party’s “establishment” you’ll run a super secret write-in campaign for Senate. It’ll be so secret, in fact, you’ll only receive one vote. It seems everyone hates the establishment, but those guys keep getting re-elected.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Always one to slightly rebel against religious doctrine, you give up Lent for Lent. You did pretty well conquering your vices last year, and you’ve earned some spiritual capital. Everyone knows red meat tastes best on Fridays.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Watching with increased worry as the global coronavirus death map expands, you start mixing Emergen-C into your 11 a.m. daily glass of Champagne. But not feeling quite as immune as you would like, you begin snorting Alka-Seltzer mixed in with your 4 p.m. crushed-up Adderall.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Feeling lucky and emboldened the more often people can’t disprove your conspiracy theories, you place a bet that Harvey Weinstein will be found hung in his jail cell in 30 days or less. It’s then you realize the Illuminati symbol is the same shape as a pizza slice.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).