Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll manage to sneak inside Yellowhammer News after hiding in a giant sack of cash with “Alabama Power” written on it. Unfortunately, with everyone out celebrating Twinkle Cavanaugh’s reelection, you’ll be left trapped in the YH mailroom for several days.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — With the first Girl Scout cookies of the season arriving, you’ll ask your loved ones to hide dozens of boxes so you won’t eat them all at once. Days later, your family will shudder as they find you naked and Scrooge McDuck-ing in all of the Thin Mints you immediately found.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll sign up to coach a Little League baseball team this summer, but everyone will look at you funny when, as your first act as manager, you buy a new set of trash cans for your home park. You won’t be trying to cheat like the Astros, you just like a clean field.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — When one of the older gentlemen in your neighborhood blames America’s violent culture on video games, you’ll kindly remind him of the Trail of Tears, slavery and that one time when we invaded a couple of countries because they liked Russia and we didn’t.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After signing up for Nextdoor, you’ll get several notifications within the first few hours. Making sure everything is OK, you’ll check the app to discover the ruckus started with a lady seeing a guy she didn’t know walking on a public sidewalk and ended with a 911 call.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Welcoming a new niece into the world, your joy will be short-lived after the precious bundle of joy spits up into your mouth. Deterred, you’ll agree to adopt the parents’ jealous dog and you’ll both talk crap about the baby in peace.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Human resources will have to be involved in a skirmish between you and a coworker when you lower the volume on his computer and remove the volume keys after he listened to three videos in a row without earbuds. You’ll both be punished for damaging company property.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Due to recent events, you’ll be forced to change your Twitter handle, which displayed love for your favorite Mexican beer and the fact you are very popular on the internet. You’ll get too many angry direct messages to continue with the name.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be hired to brainstorm plans for Fort Condé now the History Museum of Mobile has taken back management of the facility. Your winning pitch will include adding live cannons and launching an attack on Daphne just because you can.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll write in “Teddy Ruxpin” on a recent ballot because all of the Democratic presidential candidates you favored dropped out of the race a day before your state was set to vote. Nonetheless, Teddy will storm to a slim Electoral College victory. Way to go!
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — To help local municipal governments, you’ll develop a device that forces office doors to remain open to improve communication and the free flow of ideas. Instead of taking advantage of the new creation, local officials will simply work from home more and turn their phones off.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll announce your candidacy for president following the madness of Super Tuesday. Your platform consists of universal healthcare, free public college, legal marijuana and a decorated year-round tree in Mardi Gras Park.
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