Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll make a fortune selling “I survived the market crash of 2020” shirts for exactly $14.99 each. Ironically, you’ll have to drop the price of the product dangerously low when the value of shirts plummets because everyone begins to walk around with bare torsos.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll have too much fun this St. Patrick’s Day when you learn from Twitter that Guinness wards off the coronavirus. In actuality, all guzzling pints of dark, thick beer will do is make you sick. You’ll wake up sweating with a headache, but you won’t have the pandemic virus.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll get a job writing negative campaign ads for the primary runoff elections across Alabama. While you don’t have any experience, you do have a demonstrable history of being willing to lie, which, as your new boss says, “is a pretty good start.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — As part of your routine to gear up for March Madness, you’ll start relearning the basic rules of basketball, figuring out a team you like and trying get a handle on bracketology. It will be truly disappointing when your new favorite team loses in the first round.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — When your college cancels all of its in-person classes over concerns about coronavirus, you’ll find yourself with more free time than you know what to do with. But after being trapped inside a quarantine, you’ll spend the days catching up on school assignments.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — After learning that “Call of Duty” is rolling out a new, free-to-play game mode, you’ll start to brush up on your insults for 12-year-old boys. However, after a few losses, you’ll just revert to calling the young men the same names you scream at adults in traffic.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Concerned that you’re no longer attending church, a friend from your old youth group will invite over for one of their Sunday services. You’ll be shocked to find the church is meeting in an abandoned movie theater, but you’ll still stick around for the coffee, treats and tunes.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll be kicked out of Midtown after refusing to buy your street’s personalized flag. What started as a simple objection to having to buy a flag holder will end with you spitefully hoisting a rival street’s flag before having to fight off a gaggle of jogging moms.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll be one of many Americans forced to change your daily habits due to a lack of available commodities because of coronavirus fears. Instead of soap, you’ll have to use rough tree bark to scrub up, and instead of toilet paper, you’ll have to use the closest shrubbery you can find.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — On the eve of this year’s St. Patrick’s Day, you’ll find the fabled Crichton Leprechaun and trap it. You’ll spend hours answering riddles and playing games to get the creature to unlock his secrets. Unfortunately, you’ll find out he lost all his gold in the housing crisis.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Due to coronavirus fears, you’ll skip all functions involving large crowds. You’ll become a recluse who sits at home and watches television all day while having your food delivered. Really, it won’t be any different than your actual life. Why are you like this?
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll be one of many waiting in line as every fast food place in the city becomes government-run soup kitchens after the great stock market crash of 2020. You’ll spend your days polishing off grape jelly sandwiches and discussing what society used to be like.
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