Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by quarantined Italians, you throw open your windows to lead the whole neighborhood in a singalong of R.E.M.’s “Shiny Happy People.” But your neighbor Sue will stop and scold you when you get to the lyric about holding hands.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Looking for a quick government bailout, you’ll form an “airline” company to claim economic damages from COVID-19. While “BamaJet” has never had any passengers, per se, it has been known to get people high from time to time and is finding business increasingly difficult with all these sanctions.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With all the restaurants closed, you decide to dust off one of the many recipe books you’ve never opened and finally try to create your own special dish. But limited by dwindling supplies at the grocery store, you actually write your own cookbook, “365 Days of Rice and Beans.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Always one to get ahead of a crisis, you go ahead and pitch a tent in the unemployment line even though you haven’t been fired … yet. There are plenty of high-paying blue collar jobs, state officials assure you, but what’s really enticing is a nine-week unpaid training program for the possibility of a low-level position as a welder.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Shocked by the lack of access to medical care during the COVID-19 outbreak, you throw your support behind Bernie Sanders for president. Just kidding, but wouldn’t it be ideal if people actually voted in their self interest?
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Always a bit of an introvert, you easily adjust to the concept of social distancing. The best part is now you have a great excuse to ignore your mother and kids.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You may find that these horoscopes are “not really funny or useful,” Lagniappe letter-writer Elaine, but wait until you run out of toilet paper. Then try to tell me, the great Doctor Zodiac, that they are a “waste of time and space.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Fifty years from tomorrow you’ll be snuggled up with a grandchild discussing the great coronavirus crisis of 2020. The kid will ask how you survived and you’ll answer, “by taking naps, watching TV and eating Oreos by the sleeve.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Because there’s nothing more self-isolating than farts, you’ll stock up on nothing but baked beans and cabbage to ride out the coronavirus crisis. Turns out everyone will stay at least six feet away from you and your gas.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — With little to do in quarantine, you’ll take up the art of rodent tableus, similar to Steve Carell’s character in “Dinner for Schmucks.” Being a Gulf Coast resident, you’ll create beautiful scenes using nutria. It might be gross, but it helps pass the time.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — In the face of new economic realities, you’ll petition the governments of the nearest cities to try to put together a megalopolis of Mobile and Eastern Shore cities. Of course, Fairhope refuses to join and ruins the whole thing.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In response to Mobile County Sheriff Sam Cochran, you’ll start a group to drum up support for a new rule that requires unanimous approval on every council agenda item. At first, the group will be ridiculed. That is until you convince folks that maybe the government shouldn’t operate at all.
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