Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a failed attempt to secure toilet tissues for your loved ones, you’ll storm the backroom of Publix to discover the rumors about a secret supply were false. Because you’re the fifth person to try it that day, the employees will be remarkably cool about it.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Returning from a morning drive to get some much-needed fresh air, you’ll find your family has locked you out of the house. After inquiring through the mail slot, you’ll be informed that you coughed in your sleep and they aren’t taking any chances.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After finally proving health experts and world governments were indeed overhyping the coronavirus, you’ll take a victory lap around the dilapidated business district in the economic ruin of our new, post-COVID-19 world. You may even splurge on an extra ration. You earned it.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — With the City Council cracking down on large gatherings, your large Catholic family will have to split up to take strolls through the local park. When the church encouraged you to be fruitful and multiply, there wasn’t a global pandemic to worry about.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — A creature of habit, you’ll continue your daily routine even after all commerce has ceased and most people have given up hope that the economy will ever recover. You’ll get annoyed when no one responds to your shouts at the drive-thru speaker of the now-shuttered Starbucks. You will really need your morning coffee.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With paper money being worthless, you’ll begin to barter using rolls of Charmin. You’ll spend a week eating and drinking like a proverbial king until you run out of the two-ply gold. You’ll spend the next week foraging for leaves to use to clean yourself.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Obstient to the world’s fear of a deadly virus, your entire attitude will change when a celebrity you kind of like announces a positive COVID-19 test, despite being asymptomatic. The alert will make you spring into action by staying at home and leaving other people alone.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After being ordered to stay home, you’ll lose all sense of time. You’ll pour a bourbon at 7 a.m. and another one at 7:15 and another one at 7:20 … you get the idea. When your bourbon runs out, the boredom of being at your house will drive you to drink gin. You’ll learn a lot about yourself during this time.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — No public health order can curtail your spring break plans, so you go ahead and host that Slip ’N Slide, bobbing for apples, Twister and Jell-O wrestling party you planned months ago. The best part is, during your funeral in a few weeks, you’ll be eulogized as the most epic beer pong player the Southeast has ever known.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You may not have a job next week, but an email offer for zero percent interest for 84 months on a 2020 GMC Sierra is too good to pass up. Be sure to get the extended cab, as it will serve as your new home well into Donald Trump’s second term as president.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Tiring of expensive trips to the grocery store while your economic future is unclear, you decide to plant a victory garden and raise a small brood of chickens and herd of hoofstock in your tiny backyard. But after the animals eat all the vegetables and feed becomes scarce, you resort to finding new and exciting recipes for the abundant tree bark.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Desperate for solace, you search old phone books and public records to find a working phone number or current address for Dr. Anthony Fauci. You’ll be unsuccessful, but in your diligence, will possibly find the remains of Amelia Earhart, or someone named Amelia who died of coronavirus.
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