Aries (3/21-4/19) — With ample time to play “Call of Duty,” you’ll inadvertently become a professional game streamer making millions a year. However, your newfound notoriety will make it hard to go out in public after the pandemic without getting ambushed for autographs by 11-year-old boys.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After too much time online, you’ll be drawn into the anti-circumcision movement and become an “intactivist.” Your mother will be quite confused when you interrupt Christmas dinner to scream, “How could you?!” while aggressively chewing the skin off of a turkey leg.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A Zoom chat will go awry after an older coworker fails to properly exit the chat and hears several comments about her “neck flaps.” The situation could have been salvaged had she not accidentally turned on the dog filter while coming back to cuss everyone out. #woof
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After hearing cats can potentially contract COVID-19, you’ll continue to not own a cat. In addition to cats being bad pets and one of the worst things to live with, realizing that they’re now putting people’s lives at risk will reaffirm your decision to live a cat-free life.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — With big plans for your coronavirus stimulus check, you’ll begin the surprisingly quick process of purchasing a live tiger cub. A mere $2,000 later, and you’ll take the beast home to realize you’ve been duped by a meth head and are now the owner of a spray-painted bobcat.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — To one-up the city of Daphne and its local stimulus package to residents, you’ll push Fairhope’s mayor and City Council to approve funds to allow everyone to buy a boat. In typical Fairhope fashion the funds will only be able to be used for boats. Super helpful in these trying times.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — After spending weeks confined to a studio apartment, you’ll decide to trek outside for some fresh air. Unfortunately for you, it will be the only day in the last two weeks with rain. Nevertheless, you’ll hop in the puddles and dance around the storm drains because of sweet, sweet freedom.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A family dispute over housing leads to a quiet Zoom-enabled Easter Sunday. Your aunt will mute everyone, your cousin will begin singing “Into the Unknown” from “Frozen II” and your dad won’t be able to even turn the app on to join everybody. It’ll be one of the best Easters ever.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — With all sports cancelled, with only the rarest of exceptions, you’ll start taking bets on which old men are more likely to cheat at golf while visiting your local country club. When Larry takes his third mulligan on the second hole of the day, you’ll clean up.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll strictly obey the new stay-at-home order and only leave your house for work, grocery shopping, items for the honey-do list, gas, candy, soda pop, takeout, drive-thru fast food, daycare, daycare for your dogs, more grocery shopping because you saw a recipe you liked by a man from the Food Network ….
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll have a new addiction after a month of only leaving the house for “essentials.” Your new drug won’t be, well, drugs, or booze, but golf cart joyriding and estimating the worth of neighbors’ homes. No, you won’t have aged that much — it’s just the new you. Enjoy!
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After numerous confrontations due to perceived virtual wrongs, you’ll be kicked out of your small hometown’s Facebook group. Because of boredom you’ll build your own rival group, but then you fall in love with the other group’s moderator’s sister and it ends like the plot of “West Side Story,” whatever that is.
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