Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be devastated to learn that your favorite race car driver has been fired for using a racial slur during a live iRacing event. As a lifelong NASCAR fan, news of him participating in an event you couldn’t tune into using your TV’s rabbit ears will be even more upsetting.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After the federal government incorrectly deposits $8.2 million into your bank account, you’ll immediately make changes to your weekend plans. You’ll pay off a few debts but will eventually be caught and arrested after trying to order “cocaine and hookers” on Amazon.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll have a moment in the sun when you’re able to have CNN’s medical panel answer live on air your question about whether it’s possible for COVID-19 to be in an unopened bag of Apple Jacks. Take up whittling during the lockdown. You may need a new skill.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Watching the couple across the street lose it after weeks of lockdown will get even more interesting this week when one of them goes missing. Shades of “Tiger King?” Let’s just say the couple’s five schnauzers have never looked so full. Now would be a great time to finally solve that Rubik’s Cube.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ve started releasing your lockdown-related tensions by going online and arguing epidemiological points you clearly do not understand. But don’t be dissuaded. Add a few f-bombs to your arguments to really drive home the point. You’ll find out the hard way your neighbors CAN see you changing with the curtains open.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Your experimental solution combining Blue Star Ointment and Gold Bond Medicated Powder into a powerful anti-COVID-19 protection is ready for testing. Unfortunately you’ll be stopped before making it into your uncle’s retirement community. Experiment on the cat.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Plumbing issues will continue to dog all aspects of your life. It may just be time to stop fighting it and become a master of the “plumbatorial sciences.” A weird stranger will rub his hands all over a drink you’re buying. Put it back in the cooler and get a new one. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your dog is growing more enraged by the day at the interruption of what was once a day of lying on the couch sleeping. Expect some “acting out,” such as peeing on the carpet and ripping your new “Tiger King” socks to shreds. You’ll reach out to shake someone’s hand next Thursday and feel like a damn fool.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ve noticed certain grocery stores in town have a more “adventurous” approach to the virus issue. People in Publix look like they’re ready for surgery, but nary a mask to be found in the Winn-Dixie or Greer’s. You’ll have to decide whether you’re a risk taker or not next time you want to buy White Claw. Face it, you’re too old for Tik Tok.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Hearing golf is a safe outdoor activity, you’ll decide to try out the back nine for the first time since you were denied entry into the country club in ’98. Fortunately for you, the economy is so bad no one can afford to pay dues and you’ll be offered membership on the spot.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking a page from Dr. Anthony Fauci, you’ll begin a desperate and transparent effort to get fired from a job you clearly no longer want. When publicly criticizing your boss doesn’t seem to work, you’ll try spray painting phallic symbols on his assigned parking spot.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Homeschooling will run off the rails after a kickball dispute leads to a hostile exchange and a near divorce between the two team captains. Good news is, after patching things up, you’ll be able to cross physical education and psychology off the day’s lesson plan.
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