Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Pleased that elective surgeries have been reinstated, you resume your Google search for “cheap, effective lobotomy.” Coincidentally, while getting a deep nasal swab for a COVID-19 test, an inexperienced nurse will accidentally sever your entire prefrontal cortex, blissfully leaving you to believe that Elizabeth Warren has been crowned queen of the United States for life.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In their latest attempt to take American nationalism and xenophobia to its next illogical evolution, you won’t be surprised when Fox News proposes that Cinco de Mayo be renamed May 5. On the contrary, you will be surprised when they advocate for Mexico to join us in celebrating Día de la Independencia, while also demanding they pay for the fireworks displays.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In an effort to stay in shape while all the gyms in the state remain closed, you launch a “30 minutes or it’s free” delivery service on foot. But you give up on both fronts as you bleed cash 45 to 90 minutes at a time, then simply resort to eating all the lukewarm, greasy meals in your possession, paid for by someone else.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — During an office email exchange featuring Tom Cruise movie title puns, you’ll hit them with two puns in one sentence to absolute zero acclaim. Angry over this slight, you’ll wait until the “Edge of Tomorrow” before hitting them with “All The Right Moves.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After finding more and more unscooped dog poop in your yard, you’ll bag up all the extra excrement you can find and gently place it on your neighbor’s doorstep. You’ll light it, ring the doorbell and watch the revenge pageant play out in real time.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Running out of alcohol after the 10 p.m. curfew goes into effect, you’ll make what you call a “quarantini.” The mixture of mouthwash, water and sugar goes down as smooth as anything else you’ve tried. And your breath has never been fresher.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Given that social distancing has become the new normal, you’ll decide it’s finally time to move ahead with your food truck idea. The rolling establishment called The Rider Diner will be a hit all through the area. You’ll be rich beyond your wildest dreams, just like every restaurant owner.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Saddened that not one team recognized your talents and value as a placeholder, you return home from the 2020 NFL Draft dejected again. Back in the daily grind of life, the only thing you’ll be catching is sh*t. And don’t expect an endorsement deal from Planters, but your bro from high school will gladly allow you to represent Deez Nutz.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Realizing the Legislature will have to put off voting on a lottery, legalized gambling and medical marijuana for yet another year, you roll the dice and reopen your illegal, back alley bingo hall/dispensary. The good news is a federal appeals court ensured you won’t also have to offer unlicensed abortions.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that the U.S. Navy has officially declassified its most recent UFO videotapes, perhaps people will finally start believing your own true stories of alien encounters. Like that one time when you were staying with the Tanner family and their deformed-looking dog told you he was from the planet Melmac.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With your sweet 1980s homecoming mullet looking more like a party on both sides of your head, you’ll be dismayed by the governor’s order to keep barber shops closed until mid-May. In a “V For Vendetta”-inspired act of disobedience, you’ll shave your head. Problem solved.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — All of your wildest conspiracy theories will be confirmed when you learn from factsoftheworld.info that “globalists” are ruled by a giant bat-like creature hidden beneath the ice of Antarctica. You further confirm that his moods are controlled by the phases of the moon and a blood moon is imminent.
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