Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Now that college athletes have the opportunity to earn income from endorsements and sponsorships, you decide to open the Larry Maguire Sports Agency. You’ll never have a signature quarterback or wide receiver to serve as spokesman for Nike, but you might find a beefy offensive lineman for the new ad campaign, “You had me at Jell-O.”
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your family and friends will start the hush tones of concern when you shave your head and face entirely bald. Always one for the drastic life changes, they’ll assume it’s a midlife crisis and move along. You’ll never tell them it’s because your barber can’t work right now.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After getting on your bike for the first time in almost a decade you’ll discover that the balance on two wheels does come back. Unlike when you were a kid, however, you’ll experience taint pain for two straight old-man days.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Since Baldwin County Sheriff “Hoss” Mack declared he would not enforce Gov. Kay Ivey’s restrictions on close-contact businesses, there has never been a better time to launch your new bar concept: Nothing Butt Body Shotz. Despite the name, you will also offer craft beer butt-chugging.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll strain a muscle in your leg trying to outrun a spry 4-year-old with a massive head start. The child will laugh in your face while you rub IcyHot on parts of your body that weren’t even previously injured. Your hurt feelings will be soothed by the hot and cool blast of the balm.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Instead of sending your dear mom another lame framed selfie for Mother’s Day, you decide to spice it up with a boudoir photo session. It won’t find a home on the main mantelpiece, but you’ll be happy to find it displayed next to the antique wash basin in the guest bathroom.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As if there isn’t enough to worry about with a global pandemic continuing, you start immediately hearing about an invasion of murderous hornets. Next comes a herd of impolite bison and after that, manslaughter bears. Nature is wild, man.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In a misguided attempt at animal compassion, you start a rescue organization for hogs and chickens that couldn’t be processed at the slaughterhouse. Unfortunately, the operation will fail after the hogs eat the chickens and contract bird flu, resulting in an euthanasia order from Dr. Scott Harris.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Being one of those people who loves to tell others about the book you’re reading and, specifically, how long it is, you’ll be delighted to start reading “Infinite Jest.” When you realize that’s a book people cite to sound cool, you’ll be even more pleased with yourself.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll uncover an international conspiracy in “Animal Crossing” when you learn Blathers has been selling artifacts from the island museum to support his exclusive Camofrog diet. Turns out Tom Nook is running some kind of animal smuggling operation and the only one who knows all the details is Baabara.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Frustrated by your inability to get a long-delayed mani-pedi, you join 13 other entitled people at a courthouse protest to Reopen Alabama. While there, the group decides to also protest Common Core and try to figure out exactly what math and science even is.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Being too cheap to pay for the nice, Wi-Fi-enabled, digital photo frame you wanted to buy your mother for her special day, you’ll instead stop by Walgreens on Sunday morning and pick up some flowers. The old standby. To feel better, you’ll convince yourself the true gift is your life. Satisfied, you’ll leave happy.
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