Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Confused by a satirical piece in one of the nation’s newspapers, you’ll buy an inflatable “Paw Patrol” police dog and make vague political statements online. Your mind will be put at ease when you discover that Chase remains on the case.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — As a safeguard, you’ll write an algorithm that tweets a sweeping but vague condemnation of anyone whose name trends on Twitter. Followers will be confused after a “Sesame Street” special causes your account to automatically post: “I stand with Elmo’s former coworkers.”
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Inspired by former Gov. Don Siegelman’s resilience, you decide to let bygones be bygones and redefine your identity for the greater good. You too were once the butt of everyone’s jokes, but no one’s laughing now that you’ve been named Anon #541, Mayor Pro Tem of CHAZ.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In a surprise move, HBO will cave to protests over the removal of Elmer Fudd’s iconic shotgun in an updated “Looney Tunes.” But while showrunners agree to rearm Fudd, they will also reimagine the character as a militant black separatist hunting down the “wascally whites.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Feeling left behind by the cancel culture, you stand outside Mo’Bay Beignet Co. and yell at customers that they’re really just enjoying big ass funnel cakes. And funnel cakes are not French at all, they’re just some sweet bread abomination.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Reckoning with a national conversation about use-of-force policies, you reevaluate the tactics employed to open stubborn lids and packaging. Instead of forcing compliance by any means necessary, you allow newly purchased pickle jars and blister packs to rest in a safe space and emerge in their own time.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Feeling emboldened by a recent Supreme Court ruling, you now disclose your nickname, “Big Gay,” on job applications. Even though you still don’t meet the minimum qualifications for employment, at least you have grounds to sue for discrimination when you’re not hired.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Confused by the gray area over the editorial stylings over such terms as “black” and “white,” you adopt your own stringent editorial guidelines. Now, the only word you capitalize is “dog,” unless it refers to a person. For example, “that’s my Dog, dog,” said Vanilla Ice to nobody in particular, pointing at his pet canine.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — In honor of Father’s Day, you Velcro on your freshest pair of white New Balances and fire up the grill. By the way, did you hear that one about the Buddhist who ordered a hot dog? He said, “make me one with everything.”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Upset by the use of tear gas on protestors, you’ll work to pitch a less aggressive but equally noxious crowd dispersal measure. Within a year, all Mobile police officers will be outfitted with Glass Joe CDs — saving lives and money for taxpayers.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll be surprised to hear Mobile Mayor Sandy Stimpson has offered to pay a $25,000 fine for removing a statue of Adm. Raphael Semmes using Confederate currency. When state officials inform the city its method of payment is outdated and worthless, Stimpson will reply via a tweet that says, “Big Facts.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll use the lingering threat of COVID-19 to your advantage after a couple of families begin inching too close to your spot on a crowded beach. After a greatly exaggerated bit of fake coughing, you’ll be able to achieve way more than the recommended six feet of social distancing.
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