Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You will be stuck in an endless loop of traffic in Malbis when you fail to successfully navigate Alabama’s first “diverging diamond” intersection next week. Luckily, it becomes a sport you’ve suddenly expressed interest in since NASCAR banned the Confederate flag.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Due to the increasing price of beef and other meats in recent months, you forego the traditional Fourth of July grill out and choose to serve your guests with a fine spread of variety pack oatmeals. Unsatisfying but filling, it will perfectly complement the general nature of your stories about “the ol’ days.”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Always eager to pick on Mississippi as the one state worse than Alabama, you look forward to the public participation process to recommend designs for a new state flag. Broad consensus may be hard to find but your immediate ideas incorporate loose cigarettes, unwanted pregnancies and gambling an entire month’s Social Security check.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — As part of your personal mandate to constantly disobey CDC guidelines and recommendations, you head to the city of Daphne to practice your God-given right to assemble and enjoy an all-American fireworks show. You won’t catch coronavirus this time, but suddenly you start micromanaging every person and element in your life.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In the next logical but depressing step in his neverending political pandering, Jeff Sessions knocks on your door and begs for your vote in the July 14 runoff. After some negotiation, you offer to do so only after he cleans your bathroom. You still vote for Doug Jones in November.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — No longer interested in the specifics of whatever “Safer at Home” order the government expects you to heed, you institute and adhere to your own “Securer at the Crib” order. It’s basically the same, but advises you to avoid all large gatherings except hot tub and Champagne parties.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Convinced it will help your bad puns land, you’ll download recordings of sitcom laugh tracks to play over a loudspeaker every time you tell jokes. Unfortunately, you’ll cause a scene after accidentally hitting the “uproarious” setting during an upcoming funeral.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll get an unusual job interpreting the messages in the shadows cast by Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey. What seems tricky, is actually quite easy: If she doesn’t see it, it means an early economic recovery. If she does, we’ve got six more weeks of the ’rona.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll spend the week locked in a Twitter battle after a small-time blogger is upset by your critique of his work. Finally, the frustrated writer will DM you asking to “settle things with a duel,” which will seem scary until you realize he is referring to Pokemon cards.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a protest of a newly issued face mask requirement, you’ll craft a covering out of soiled jockstraps. Ironically, the smell alone will help you achieve peak social distance as shoppers instantly flee from you.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After driving through a stop sign and causing an accident, you’ll be accused of maliciously endangering the lives of others. Taking a page from President Trump’s playbook, you’ll argue there never was ill intent; you simply got bored reading the word “stop” and forgot.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll be forced to share this year’s “Best Ass. Manager” award with a co-worker, and after a brief scuffle, you both will decide to split the placard down the middle. It will seem like your colleague got a promotion, but you’ll take solace in being named 2019’s “Best Ass.”
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