Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After watching a popular internet video, you’ll hatch a plan to breed an army of nunchuck-wielding bears to take down your enemies. Like all seemingly perfect plans, it goes awry when the bears pick up drumsticks and doobies and begin rocking out.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — When the social media company you’ve relied on for years limits your right to post various photos of marmalade to your feed, you’ll start a new company called Jammi. Your vision for Jammi is a social media site devoted to lovers of all things jelly. Unfortunately, it’ll be taken over by trolls and ruined like everything else.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You have no influence at all over the powers that be; nonetheless, you’ll start a Twitter campaign to rename D.C.’s NFL franchise the Strong Bois. The name is perfect. It evokes strength and brings in a new generation of fans. The team will go in another direction.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Piggybacking on the success of “Unclaimed Baggage” in Fort Payne, you’ll open a restaurant filled with food that was sent back to the kitchen for one reason or another. The establishment, called “Excuse Me, But,” will not do well until the pandemic-aided rationing begins.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Now that the Trump administration has resumed federal executions after a 17-year moratorium, you reconsider your actions during the next civil disobedience. Instead of smashing windows in police cars, you speak at the City Council meeting to suggest an act of violent fellacio, yell the “F” word and yield your time.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Curious to test the latest hot conspiracy theory, you log on to Wayfair and purchase “The Richard,” an overpriced utility cabinet that may or may not contain a trafficked human child. Much to your disappointment, not only is it a low-quality cabinet, but the long-lost Richard Simmons emerges and encourages you to begin “Sweatin’ to the Oldies.”
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Thinking long and hard about the phrase “herd mentality” as it applies to the coronavirus pandemic, you conclude America may indeed be in for the long haul. But speaking of herds, at least it’s not as bad as waking up to 30-50 feral hogs tearing up your lawn.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Vowing to always “back the blue,” you refuse to patronize Five Guys in Daphne until its manager deputizes you. Your first order of business as a sworn officer will be confiscating all their contraband peanuts.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After hearing President Trump call Alabama’s football coach the wrong name, you’ll be unsure how to feel. Fortunately, POTUS will clear up the misunderstanding by issuing an executive order legally changing Nick Saban’s name to Lou Saban. Nick will not be thrilled.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Without many of the traditional summer sports available to watch due to the COVID-19 pandemic, you’ll resign yourself to watching dog show reruns on weekends. Truly anything is better than spending time with your family, even watching a judge jostle the private parts of a show pooch.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Misunderstanding a key part of the government of the city of Mobile, you’ll assume the city’s Tree Commission is a board made up entirely of trees. Maple, spruce, cypress, Douglas fir, pine and oak varieties are all represented on the commission in your mind. You’ll be shocked to learn who leads the Solid Waste Disposal Authority.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In a new job with the Department of Archives and History, you’ll be tasked with downplaying Alabama’s racist past. In your first official act, you’ll argue George Wallace’s infamous stand in the schoolhouse door was actually just “the governor having a particularly bad morning because The University of Alabama was out of coffee.”
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