Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Inspired by a creepy old attorney, you’ll branch out into “fantasy fiction” and publish your first homemade erotica, “Hand me the Shoe Horn, a novel.” Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to drink all the leftover beer from your hurricane party.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In an effort to avoid all the Black Friday crowds, you plan to do 100 percent of your Christmas shopping at the new Buc-ee’s. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to pick up the six pinecones that fell in your yard.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In honor of Renée Fleming’s performance with the Mobile Symphony Orchestra, you will communicate only in opera for an entire week. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to repurpose the sand in your sandbags into a beach volleyball court.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Thinking it’s never too early to start a campaign, you’ll get a “Tua for Heisman” tattoo on your lower back. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to remove the duct tape from your windows.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Learning about the new amenities at the federal courthouse downtown, you plan to honestly answer your next jury duty questionnaire instead of trying to weasel out of it. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to make 100 grilled cheese sandwiches to use all the bread you bought.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Still paying off your student loan debt from the mid ‘90s, you pledge to support the University of South Alabama’s fundraising campaign one nickel at a time. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to properly organize your alkaline batteries.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — With your nonprofit organization stripped to the bone by the city of Mobile’s next budget, you send all your referrals to the mayor’s office. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to make that tarpaulin a slip-n-slide.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — It’s not too late to take a last-minute trip to Washington, D.C., where you can don your pussy hat and protest the nomination of Judge Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to remedial teach everything the kids missed while they were out of school.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Reading about the quality of The Blind Mule’s Sunday brunch, you’ll stay until 11 a.m. instead of going home around 5 a.m. like you normally do. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to mark yourself as “OK” on Facebook.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After being told 100 times “not to downplay the seriousness of the situation,” you start to downplay the seriousness of the situation. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to disassemble the “LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT” sign on your property.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) —Hearing about the “Family Feud” auditions in Atmore, you assemble your most dysfunctional relatives and prepare to make TV history. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task is to turn off the weather radio and crank up the Fleetwood Mac.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Thinking that insults about his accent or educational pedigree have taken it a step too far, you find yourself in the uncomfortable position of defending Jeff Sessions. Your Hurricane Gordon recovery task to remove the sand from the road on the west end of Dauphin Island just in time for the next storm.
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