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If “Seinfeld” can make a television show about nothing, why can’t I write a column about it? Some weeks are harder than others to come up with column ideas.
The two biggest news stories in our fair burg this week are annexation and if Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is going to run for his old Senate seat — an announcement he will have to make soon, as qualifying ends Nov. 8. I wrote about Sessions last week and the council predictably laid over the vote on annexation for two weeks, so I’m left scrambling to produce 800 to 1,000 words on something. Anything? Or maybe just nothing.
Desperate, I asked my 10-year-old son if he had any column ideas for me on anything he might have noticed happening around town.
He thought about it for a minute and then said: “I think the squirrels in Mobile stop and stare at people more here than they do anywhere else. You should write about that.”
Hmmm. That’s very random, but now that I think about it, he may be onto something, as I feel their beady little eyes on me all the time, too.
Totally unrelated, but does paranoia run in families? Asking for a friend.
My 7-year-old daughter suggested I write about Taylor Swift, who she just officially changed our female betta fish’s name to, from Daniella Sparkles. I’m sure as a little girl Taylor once dreamed people around the world would name their fish and/or gerbils after her one day. Taylor, girl, you have arrived. But that’s all I have to say about her. I couldn’t take all those crazy Swifties attacking me if I happened to write something they deemed unworthy of her Swiftiness to them. They’re scarier than Mobile’s squirrels, who are clearly plotting to kill us all and become our new evil overlords, right?
Of course, I could write about Spanish Fort Mayor Mike McMillan being arrested for slapping the city magistrate in the face and telling her to shut up. But that’s really all anyone knows about it at this point. McMillan said in a statement he will be cleared, but allegedly this was caught on camera and is there really ANY excuse at all that makes it OK to slap someone you work with? Especially a woman?
Plus, it’s hard for me to imagine any work issue that I would be so angry about that I would be compelled to physically strike someone, so it will be very interesting to hear what this is all about. The inquiring squirrels of Mobile (and Spanish Fort) want to know.
Another hot topic in the state is that President Donald Trump will be attending the Alabama-LSU game in Tuscaloosa on Saturday. The prevailing joke on Twitter has been the president is shopping for a sports arena where he will not get booed, since facing tough crowds at a World Series game and a UFC fight.
You know, because that’s what any president should definitely be concerned about.
Strangely, former Auburn coach and current U.S. Senate candidate Tommy Tuberville has already guaranteed a great reception for Trump, penning a piece for Yellowhammer News in which he said: “In Alabama, you will not be heckled or booed, but embraced as our commander in chief. We support you, and we are rooting for your continued success … You have scored touchdown after touchdown for our country and have earned the right to serve four more years. And we football fans understand the value of hard-fought victories. It is an honor to have you in Alabama, Mr. President. Alabama has your back, and all our fans are cheering for you.”
Oh lawd, Tommy. I’m throwing some laundry on the field for this!
First, for illegal use of corny football metaphors. “Touchdown after touchdown for our country?” Really, Coach? That’s just terrible! And second for excessive pandering. Fifteen yards, automatic first down.
And also, in this insane world we now live in, the former Auburn coach who was certainly hated by all 101,821 fans in Bryant–Denny Stadium from 1999 to 2008 is now promising thunderous applause and cheers from said fans for the leader of the Free World during a football game between two teams he never coached? You really can’t make this stuff up.
But suddenly I am more anxious to see if Trump will get that reception than I am to see if Tua will start. I’m surprised Lord Saban is even allowing this new flavor of rat poison to be served at the game. Make sure to pop some popcorn! This one is going to be interesting on and off the field. Roll Tide and God bless America!
And, of course, be on the lookout for those Mobile squirrels. They are always watching. Always.
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