Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — In an attempt to avoid E. coli, you’ll substitute the romaine lettuce in your Caesar salad with collard greens. For a truly Southern experience, consider also substituting the olive oil in the dressing with bacon grease.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Bankrupt again after donating to all your friends’ charitable causes on Giving Tuesday, you establish a GoFundMe campaign to replenish your account. Overwhelmed by the resulting show of support, you offer free rides in your new Bentley Continental GT.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Ecstatic over the successful descent of NASA’s InSight lander to the surface of Mars, you begin preparing your estate for a future transition to another planet. Unfortunately, your petition to exit the atmosphere will not be resolved in probate court for another three centuries.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Organizing a team-building exercise for the mayor and Mobile City Council, you take them on a duck boat tour during a small craft advisory. Grateful and relieved when they return to shore unscathed, they will never have communication problems again.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — Encouraged by the Mobile County Commission taking action against roaming dogs and cats, you begin to crusade for an anti-love-bug ordinance. While they are not known to bite or scratch, they have significantly impacted the resale value of your 1994 Honda Civic.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Inspired by Melania Trump’s White House Christmas decorations, you turn your foyer into a scene resembling the hemorrhaging elevator scene from “The Shining.” Your holiday guests cautiously approve, but will be afraid to use your bathroom alone.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Threatened by Attorney General Steve Marshall’s recent clarification of the law regarding CBD oil, you seek out new alternative therapies. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’ll eventually succumb to an epileptic fit on an acupuncture table.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After watching the Eastern Shore Repertory Theatre’s production of “A Christmas Carol, The Musical,” you’ll assume the role of the Ghost of Christmas Present. Enlightening people to the ongoing injustices of 2018, you’ll ensure the immigration crisis is the primary topic of discussion Christmas morning.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Excited about Kansas’ show at the Saenger Theatre Dec. 6, all of your dialogue this week will incorporate the lyrics of “Dust in the Wind.” You will be fired after telling your boss, “and all your money won’t another minute buy …”
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Jealous that Fairhope was awarded south Alabama’s first ALDI supermarket, you attempt to recruit Trader Joe’s to Mobile. Your pitch is, “We don’t eat too healthy around here, but we do have an ISO Class 1 rating and a world-class maritime museum.”
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Worried about Jeff Sessions’ mental health after his dismissal from the Justice Department, you refer him to one of Alabama’s trusted group homes. Enlightened by his discouraging experience, he’ll apply for the latest open staff attorney position at the Equal Justice Institute.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — With political corruption running rampant after the firing of Deputy Attorney General Matt Hart, now’s your chance to receive and launder federal grant money to build a dome over Ladd-Peebles Stadium. Next up: hovercraft ferry service to the Eastern Shore.