Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — This weekend may be your last opportunity to visit the Mobile International Festival before President Donald Trump builds a wall around it. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by asking for white barbecue sauce.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — If you really want to see Fairhopians huff and puff, organize a caravan of Mobilians to enjoy their annual Lighting of the Trees. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by pulling for Georgia in the Iron Bowl.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Not a huge fan of the Grateful Dead, you’ll host the inaugural Insiders Ball, featuring Barry Shitz, who once auditioned for The Ramones. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by painting “Z71” on the side of a Ford F-150.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After a wonderful but confusing Saturday brunch, you’ll demand Bay Area Brunch Fest become a 24/7 affair. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by confusing Hank Williams Jr. for Hank Williams Sr.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A series of high-profile confessions will have you admitting you once inappropriately touched a foot-long corn dog. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by racing an electric car around the Talladega Superspeedway.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To keep Jeff Sessions off the hot seat, you’ll testify his Russian contacts were limited to repeated viewing of the underappreciated Disney film “Anastasia.” You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by briefly entertaining a Luther Strange for Senate write-in campaign.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Brain damage related to an ice skating accident in Fort Conde will leave you dressing as a redcoat and fighting for the Queen’s honor. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by asking your grocer for the organic Tyson chicken.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Hearing that disgraced former judge Herman Thomas is seeking a seat in the Alabama Legislature, you believe politics in this state can’t get more sleazy. Watch and see. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by sitting in the back pew of a half-empty church service.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In preparation for Thanksgiving, you’ll begin to thaw the turkey you bought at 70 percent off last Black Friday. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by pouring ketchup on your hash browns.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — For a good time, get margarita drunk and sing along to the new album of previously unreleased Jimmy Buffett songs. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by publishing a front-page exposé on sex clams.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — With plans for the future of the Mobile Civic Center unveiled, you’ll suggest the project save money by allowing citizens to voluntarily sledgehammer and bulldoze the worthless building. You’ll embarrass the state of Alabama by selling a gun rather than getting a bigger gun safe.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — In attempt to prevent more collisions involving Mobile police cruisers, you’ll host a demolition derby open to active members of the force. You’ll make Alabama proud by choosing morality over politics in the Dec. 12 Senate runoff.
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