A Mobile tour of the zodiac

Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In an attempt to profit from Subtropical Storm Alberto, you’ll file a FEMA claim for being forced to speak Spanish instead of American. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Alabama Contemporary Art Center.

Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Emerging from the smoldering ruins of the “Great ‘Roseanne’ Cancellation Riots of 2018,” you support a new TV outrage: Why hasn’t “Parks and Recreation” returned for an encore season? Your Explore Mobile destination is the Gulf Coast Exploreum.

Leo (7/23-8/23) — Apprehensive about voting for another crook or career politician, you’ll fill the blank space in your ballot with the name of your third grade classroom’s pet fish. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Mobile Carnival Museum.

Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Jealous that Lagniappe received more than a dozen awards from the Alabama Press Association, you publish a rag of your own, “The Daily Crab,” which exclusively writes reviews of “The Rick & Bubba Show.” Your Explore Mobile destination is the Mobile Municipal Archives.

Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inconvenienced by Starbucks’ recent closure for anti-bias training, you’ll try out a new local coffee place. It’ll take a few trips before you drop the “tall, venti, grande” habit. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Phoenix Fire Museum.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Taking a cue from St. Paul’s, you’ll sue the Alabama High School Athletic Association for embarrassing you in P.E. class. In a court-ordered redo, you’ll complete one and a half pull-ups. Your Explore Mobile destination is the A&M Peanut Shop.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your attempt to compete at the Publix Grandman Triathlon will be thwarted by goose poop and Fairhope residents on golf carts. You’ll cross the finish line on a Segway. Your Explore Mobile destination is Christ Church Cathedral.

Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Despite a warning from the FBI, you’ll neglect to reboot your router and become the target of Russian malware. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Mobilia Art Center.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Due to the cuts in services in Mobile County courts, you’ll be able to file for your next divorce for only $79. The catch? It’ll take eight years to finalize. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Fort of Colonial Mobile.

Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Inspired by a review of the cuisine in Lagniappe, you’ll hang out at the Big Time Diner and re-enact all your favorite scenes from The Max on “Saved By the Bell.” Your Explore Mobile destination is the History Museum of Mobile.

Aries (3/21-4/19) — Since your Memorial Day plans were postponed due to weather, you plan for Memorial Day 2.0 this weekend. You blame super patriotism for your absence from work on Monday, June 4. Your Explore Mobile destination is the Church Street Graveyard.

Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Confused about their real position on the issues, you vote for the gubernatorial candidate who fires the biggest gun in their campaign commercial. Your favorite candidate for lieutenant governor says the word “Christian” nine times in 30 seconds. Your Explore Mobile destination is GulfQuest National Maritime Museum.