Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Your prowess on the washboard will finally come in handy as you join The Pine Hill Haints on stage. You’ll be dismissed after attempting a solo with a musical saw. You’ll host the inaugural ball of the Mystics of Fear of Missing Out.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll have a full year of strange coincidences when you obtain a lock of Grayson Capps’ hair during his Joe Cain Day show at Callaghan’s. You’ll sew a Mardi Gras train for the queen of the Krewe of Daydreaming.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll proclaim yourself heir of the House Targaryen and attempt to control the Mystics of Times’ three dragon floats. You’ll foster the secret society known as the Knights of Impulsiveness.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Finding little comedy in the recent stock market scare, you’ll fail to crack a smile until Ash Wednesday. You’ll begin a divisive parading group known as the Humorless Cowgirls.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Conceding that New Orleans may actually have the bigger and better Mardi Gras doesn’t make you less a Mobilian, it makes you more a rational human. You hold a charter membership in the Order of Indecisiveness.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Trying to keep good on your pledge of a “Litter Free Mardi Gras,” you’ll scour the parade route for the one strand of beads you could not account for once you got back to the car. You are the head of recruitment for the Krewe of Carnival Narcs.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You’ll declare your personal space by building a wall around 20 square feet of pavement behind the barricades. You’ll employ an agent to enforce passport restrictions and QC test generic candy. You’ll organize the all-inclusive Mobile Bay Area Parading and Non-Parading Society.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In protest of what appears to be a shortage of MoonPies at local Mardi Gras parades, you’ll stand on the corner and pelt people on oncoming floats with undesirable oatmeal pies. You have been inducted into the Knights of GFY.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll rush to the furnace to smelt your doubloons, hoping their weight as bullion will set you up for early retirement. You’ll be cited by ADEM for exceeding air quality standards. You’ll ride on the lead float for the Order of Ordinary Orderlies.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll conceive a screenplay for Nic Cage’s newest movie in Mobile, an action-based thriller about a sacred scroll buried under Mardi Gras Park. You’ll resign from the Krewe of Cat People to join the Knights of Dog People.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Against the advice of your most recent dietitian, you’ll eat your weight in funnel cakes and chickens-on-a-stick. You’ll form an shadowy LLC to obscure the principals in your new krewe, the Nutria Maidens.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll dress in black and join Joe Cain’s Merry Widows at the Church Street Cemetery Sunday morning. It won’t be the first time you’ve had a bloody mary at a graveyard and it won’t be the last. You’re the king of the Mystic Two-Cheek Mooners.