Libra (9/23-10/22) — The ABC Board will approve the application for your liquor store, “Holy Spirits: Wine, Beer & Bible Study,” bringing new significance to the story of the marriage at Cana. Your next venture will be the “Yeast of These” bakery.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll team up with the Port City Pacers to turn ArtWalk into ArtRun. Vendor booths will become hurdles and streetside musicians will only play cowbells. The ABC Board will approve the application for your liquor store, Liquid Crack.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll attempt to compete in Polo at the Point with your pet jackass, Donald Grump. Your team will abandon you after you start petting all the cats in Fairhope without consent. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, Crunk Soda.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll nearly drown at the inaugural Tri the Gulf. You’ll come around during a dream sequence in which you’re kissing a beautiful mermaid, but you’ll later thank a crusty fisherman for administering CPR. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, Ooooo Weeee!
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Citing electoral privilege, you’ll refuse to blow at a DUI checkpoint. Gov. Robert Bentley will later denounce your behavior as morally objectionable. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, Rise and Moonshine.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After making an innocuous joke about Donald Trump, you’ll be aggressively attacked for being an “integral cog in the liberal machine destroying America.” The ABC Board will approve the application for your liquor store, Grab ‘em by the Bottle.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll awake from a coma to discover your brother-in-law did not enjoy your belly rub last month. While your recovery will take time, your new understanding of personal boundaries will be instantaneous. The ABC Board will approve the application for your drive-thru liquor store, McDrunkle’s.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — When your bank makes you change your online password for the fifth time in two months, you’ll start seriously considering storing your excess cash in an old Sleep Number mattress. The ABC Board will approve the application for your liquor store, Kyle’s Brown Sack Emporium.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll learn the depth of your strength after your AC goes out. While opening a window that’s been painted shut seems a small feat, its rewarding draft will feel like a significant accomplishment. The ABC Board will approve the application for your temporary Halloween-themed liquor store, Cirrhosis Pocus.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll develop a space slingshot called “The David” at the Brookley Aeroplex that will help you beat Elon Musk to Mars. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, “Yo, Ho, Ho,” a pirate-themed specialty rum shop.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll call in sick to work after your favorite team plays extra innings. You’ll get caught when you go out for a cheeseburger at your co-workers’ favorite spot. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, “Brew Haha.”
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll begin to yawn at inappropriate times during an important meeting. You’ll soon be required to drink two cups of coffee before every get-together. The ABC Board will approve the application for your new liquor store, “Swill Power.”
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