Libra (9/23-10/22) — As a proud parent of private school student, you’ll be happy to support the school’s gun raffle fundraiser. While you already help support the school financially, you also support sweet, automatic hunting rifles. Just in time for deer season, a $50 chance at an AR-15 is the perfect way to support your child’s education while simultaneously taking a stand against BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA and the ever-expanding powers of the executive branch.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — In an effort to raise neighborhood morale, you will create a Facebook group for your subdivision in unincorporated Baldwin County. Intended as a forum for the neighborhood’s creative people to discuss ideas for neighborhood Halloween and Christmas decorations, the page will quickly devolve into one where soccer moms complain about dogs pooping in neighborhood yards. You’ll try to delete the page, but before you do your neighbor will post a photo of you, in nothing but undies, letting your dog out for a midnight poop-a-thon in her driveway.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Your days as a Fairhope Police officer impersonator are numbered. What started as a Halloween prank between friends gets you into trouble when you stop the wrong minivan outside the local laundromat. A photo of you in a polyester cop suit and fake mustache surfaces on the web, and a countywide manhunt ensues. Angry moms will call for your public execution on Facebook. You’ll be arrested after a Bay Minette resident Tweets a photo of you manhandling a cronut outside the town’s new doughnut shop.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — As #TennesseeHateWeek heats up, you’ll go a little too far with your hatred this year. After banning orange clothing, orange juice, carrots, Cheetos, “Finding Nemo,” Garfield cartoons, basketballs, the WNBA logo, circus peanuts and the telling of the “orange you glad” knock-knock joke for the week, you’ll tell your wife she can’t buy a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks. Your command won’t be well received, and your spouse will make you sleep on a pile of orange clothes in the garage for the rest of the week.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll find yourself awestruck by a local news promotion touting the ‘digging’ a young reporter did into local governmental body’s spending habits. Having a little knowledge of the subject yourself, you’ll at first see the promo as basic exaggeration — par for the broadcast course. However, you’ll be surprised to learn that NBC’s Brian Williams is actually behind the reporting and that the board in question, in fact, never existed at all.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find yourself talking to a Bernie Sanders supporter, but fortunately for you, the conversation will be limited to the window of a local drive-through. However, as the person in question doesn’t understand math or finances, the interaction will significantly slow down your transaction, causing you to leave in the middle of a haphazard political pitch. In your absence, the worker will declare you to be part of a “mainstream media” blackout of Sanders’ campaign — a blackout they clearly think somehow involves french fries and those who love them.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Forgetting you were recently given a pocket knife, you’ll enter a government building armed with the two-inch blade. As you remove it from your pocket to let security know you unwittingly brought it inside, you’ll be hit with no less than three tasers simultaneously. Tragically, the sudden jolt of electricity will cause the knife to launch from your hand and hit a nearby officer in the leg. You’ll be convicted of assault, but the officer’s injury in the line of duty will lay the groundwork for a fine mayoral campaign.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Your excitement will only grow as December rolls around and Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens in theaters. You will have heard the rumors that it’s anti-white, but that will only make you want to see it more, as you know idiots will boycott it for this reason. As you suspect, the stadium seats at your nearby multiplex will be filled with folks ready to enjoy the move and no overly entitled protester will bother. It will turn out to be a great movie that you’ll thoroughly enjoy.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll join the movement to boycott IHOP, after the restaurant sends out a series of controversial tweets comparing breakfast items to parts of the human anatomy. The first one showing a piece of turkey sausage with the caption: “It’s not the size of the link, but the pacing of its casing” and others, like the one that shows a strip of bacon and asks: “Don’t you want a stomach this flat?” I can’t even share with you here what they do with a French toast.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Much like the Crimson Tide’s rivalry with Tennessee each year, you commemorate one of the special moments in your life with a “Fourth Saturday in October,” Instead of a football game though, you’ll be prepared to give up alcohol for the day to recognize the worst hangover you had years ago. The sober celebration is in remembrance of your years old pantless jaunt down UA’s quad, following a terrible loss to the Volunteers. Your friends will post an anniversary video, like they do every year.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll remember why you moved away after attending your high school’s Homecoming football game. It’ll seem like a good idea at first, but the reality that a lot of people view a collared shirt as “uppity” will soon sink in. You’ll search for a spot in the stands only to realize that you’re too old to talk to students and to young for a designated seating area. You’ll also unintentionally offend a classmate when you ask how their family is — as you will be ignorant or their recent arrest.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — Fearing the awful smell of burning dust, you’ll refuse to turn on the heater in your house as the chill of fall turns into the cold of winter. Instead, you’ll attempt to take up quilt making to keep yourself warm in a race against the plummeting temperatures. Your progress will slow in the third week as pneumonia and fatigue set in, but persevering, you’ll run the final stitch just as the first heatwave in March takes hold of the Port City.