Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — It’s that time of year again! The young football players from all across the country come to town for the Senior Bowl. It’s your time to corrupt them. Depending on your style this could be everything from laser tag to cock fights and hookers. Stalking the Mobile Regional Airport, you’ll begin separating the lambs from the herd and then leading them to slaughter, or, you know, Hayley’s. If you ever choose to be a bad person, there are plenty of embarrassing photos of young future NFL stars that could be sold for a lot of money.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — A series of bizarre events will end with you hanging out with a solid B-list celebrity one weekend. Somehow you will strike up a friendship you both know will only last maybe a couple of days. Perhaps the weirdest and most surreal moment will be when the celeb gives you $100 and tells you to go get beer. That’s when you realize you’re on a beer run for someone that could totally be on a VH1 reality show. It’s so weird that you’ll be sure you dreamed it.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You will find a pair of pants on the street (specifically in the gutter) and for some reason, you know this is no ordinary pair of pants. Naturally you pick them up and wash them as soon as you get home since they smell like hobo pee. When you put them on still hot from the dryer, a fairy godmother will appear. Not your fairy godmother, but a hobo fairy godmother. She will dispense useless advice to you since she should actually be looking over a 46-year-old drifter from Portland, Maine.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — For reasons you probably already expect, you will soon be hiding your face on camera. You will do it to try to mask your identity, but you will end up looking more guilty than anything, even though for once you are innocent. The good part of your blunder is you can always have a hilarious Facebook photo. The bad part of your blunder is your friends will make fun of you for at least three years.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A little event will somehow slowly unravel your life. You and some friends will order a pizza. Waiting for the delivery guy will be the last happy 30 minutes with those friends. When the delicious Trojan horse arrives, it will be unsliced. At first this isn’t a problem until you realize the pizza cutter you have is less effective than using dental floss to cut the pizza. When the cutting finally begins, the war over what is fair and what isn’t will begin. Things will be said that can’t be unsaid. There will be blood, bruises, tears and pepperoni.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — Punxsutawney Phil will screw you over once again. If you want it to be hot, it will be cold. If you want it to be cold, it will be hot. It’s all the fun of “Groundhog Day” without Bill Murray, Andie MacDowell or the repeating day. You don’t even get the daily wake up from Sonny & Cher’s “I’ve Got You Babe.” Word of advice: Do not plan to kidnap Punxsutawney Phil.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — The speed of light is 983,571,056 feet per second. You will near this as you rush to the restroom after eating a handful of a specific type of sugar free gummy bears. The reviews on Amazon should have given you a clue. Here’s an example: “Ate a bag of these when I boarded a six-hour flight to Seattle. Gastric exorcism at 30,000 feet.” Also, some person is “pretty sure I lost a kidney.” Buy some, but use for a more practical purpose — revenge.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — In the spirit of the city employees who sued because they didn’t get a raise, you will start suing the people who won’t sleep with you EVEN after you bought them a drink. A drink or a kiss is almost a contract for getting it on, right? Hopefully the judge sides with you and awards you $300,000 for pain and suffering. Once again like the employees, you haven’t had any action in years now as well. Their financial well is drying up as much as your sexual well.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Trying to relive your glory days you will take the field during the Senior Bowl game. Hope you don’t mind being tackled and tasered. However, it’s been a while since you were on a football field. That’s when you had the world by the tail. You and your friend who could throw that speedball that made you look like a fool know what I’m talking about — glory days.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Take some stock out in Babies R Us. Thanks to that polar vortex that trapped everyone in doors, there will be a big mustering of storks headed this way in just nine months. The temperature might have been oh so cold outside, but indoors it was pretty steamy. Prepare your pocket for the baby gifts you will have to buy.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — An unexpected visitor will stop by your home. No it’s not time for someone to talk about their lord and savior. Instead, it’s someone trying to sell books door-to-door. After you confirm they have heard about Amazon, you start to feel sorry for them. You bring them in, give them lunch and let them call to their mom while they cry. Feeling even sadder, you place a huge order. That’s when you find out your neighbors fell for the same ploy. Stupid books.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Running into your ex, you will realize that cold-hearted human has now become your XL ex. It certainly is the best feeling in the world seeing someone you dislike becoming someone you dislike who has fat shoulders. Who knew you could even get fat on your shoulders? Being the benevolent soul you are, you will not mention this to them at all. Instead, you will do as momma taught you and say they look great.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).