Not too long ago, in a municipality far, far away …
Winston, the brainiest elf in the North Pole, put down the science fiction book he was reading and looked out the library window with concern as the snow began to fall harder from the darkening sky. He hadn’t heard from Santa since the jolly old elf stepped out to clear his head several hours ago, and Winston was starting to get a little worried.
His beloved boss was always anxious in the days before Christmas, but this year was different. He’d confessed to Winston that morning that he felt the world had finally lost the Christmas Spirit, and he was canceling Christmas and closing shop.
This was not the first year Santa had canceled the big day, and in fact there had been numerous close calls throughout the decades and centuries involving issues such as TSA screenings, doomsday prophecies and, more recently, a North Korean cyberattack. It seemed this year brought troubles of its own.
After a lengthy search, Winston finally found Santa at his favorite North Pole watering hole, the Double Deuce, knocking back what looked to be his tenth Jack Frost and Coke. He was chatting with the bar’s mysterious new cooler, chuckling at a random story about the time the soft-spoken bouncer nearly killed a man with a dead polar bear.
Winston was mystified by their nonsensical conversation but he could tell his tipsy old friend was happy for the distraction. Santa had been so distressed lately by all the sad news of hatred, violence, greed and oppression in the world, and he couldn’t help but wonder what had become of the Christmas Spirit.
He’d spent his life’s work encouraging kindness and good deeds as expressions of the true meaning of Christmas, but he increasingly felt like the people of the world had become far too angry and afraid to embrace the loving values he had long encouraged and rewarded.
He was particularly depressed by all the talk about the upcoming Elf Council elections, where local politician Steve Snowpine, a loquacious and cavalier ex-convict with a solid history of reckless and terrible life decisions, was running against Donner Trump, a crass and vulgar business elf with a knack for self-promotion and fanning the flames of bigotry. He’d been in the news lately regarding his harsh views on certain elf immigrants he suspected of having ties to Krampus, leader of a known Christmas terrorist organization.
All in all it had been a pretty combative year in the North Pole, filled with lots of heated arguments ranging from low elf wages and the economic impact of undocumented foreign elves, to the abundance of Red Ryder BB gun violence as well as alarming accusations of unjustified toy soldier brutality occurring throughout the North Pole.
Bitter controversy emerged over a popular elf’s gender transition as well as the Elf Council’s recent decision to legally recognize marriage between homosexual elves, and increasingly hostile debates continued over North Pole security and the legalization of medicinal and recreational mistletoe.
There was so much to fight about, it seemed the world would finally be torn apart once and for all. Santa knew the world’s only hope was the power of the Christmas Spirit, but nobody really seemed to care about it this year. Most people were too busy being distracted by some stupid space-opera movie.
If that wasn’t enough, Santa was also having money troubles, and his accountant, Arty Fisheltree, and his American attorney, Ed Knogg, had already warned him he was behind on his bills. It seemed like over half the kids in the world had asked him for “Star Wars” merchandise this year, and ever since Disney acquired the franchise his contractual cost for building toys using the “Star Wars” name and likeness had risen substantially.
As Winston listened to Santa complain about the “silly action movie” that had stolen everybody’s attention, he wondered if Santa might have been missing the larger point. Millions of people have been joyfully gathering together to celebrate a new chapter of a beloved franchise that warned them about the destructive powers of fear and hatred, and taught them about loyalty, sacrifice and the idea that it’s never too late to do the right thing.
Winston reminded Santa that even though “Dark Side” toys always sell the best, everybody knows most people obsessed with “Star Wars” secretly believe they are undiscovered Jedi knights who have yet to realize the full strength of their powers under the Force. That’s an awful lot of nerds who genuinely want to do the right thing and see peace and justice throughout the galaxy. That can’t be a terrible thing.
It’s also very exciting the most badass fighter in the new film is a smart and capable young lady, and assuming the strong and plucky new hero doesn’t soon become some fat monster’s half-dressed sex slave, parents of young girls everywhere should be thrilled!
Winston finally reminded Santa that having fun and sharing memories is the most important part of “Star Wars,” and millions of people’s delight at sharing a wonderful new adventure, a few tears and a whole lot of smiles can’t be a bad thing either. Maybe there are still plenty of things worth celebrating.
Winston wasn’t sure if his words did any good in convincing Santa to reconsider Christmas until he saw him the next day making toys once again! As Winston passed the workshop on his way to the library, he couldn’t help but overhear Santa heartily leading a joyful chorus of elves as they finished a festive carol:
“On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me, 12 star destroyers, 11 blasters blasting, 10 droids a-beeping, 9 x-wings fighting, 8 banthas milking, 7 clones a-trooping, 6 Fetts a-hunting, 5 light sabers, 4 Jedi scum, 3 Sith men, 2 nerf herders and a starship with a Wookiee!”
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