Citizens of the United States of America — do not check your GPS, this is STILL the U.S.! — your local, state and national governments have come together and invoked a new law embedded on page 436 of the CARES Act that allows us to take over any media space deemed “essential” in the fight against COVID-19 logic.
This is why instead of reading the inane ramblings of an individual who dared to question the sanity of shutting down the entire U.S. economy for two months (or more!), we will be offering very important information about the brilliant things we are doing to combat the morass of human misery we have created as a solution to a virus that has killed 0.00007 percent of our population so far!
This space will be returned to its regular author next week after we force him to watch 72 straight hours of the sick Cuomo brother interviewing the governor Cuomo brother. It’s a new reprogramming measure we’re trying.
On to some very important information from your government ….
Some of you may have noticed by now that you are no longer going to work and feel as if you could be “terminated” or “laid off” at any moment. At least 17 million of you might even be aware you have indeed been separated from your way of paying bills, feeding your children and otherwise not living in the street. This was our plan all along, so do not worry. At all. What, do you think we’d actually destroy our entire economy without having a plan? Relax … the government has your back.
If you’ll remember, after much bickering and dickering, we passed a COVID-19 relief package more than two weeks ago, which means most of you should have received … ooops, most of you WILL BE receiving individual checks “any minute” now. As a means of passing the time while you are sheltering in place, we, the government, now recommend you open up the banking app on your phone and hit refresh every two minutes to see if we have magically direct deposited money into your account. It will be “stimulating” when we do, we promise. Haha!
Now some of you may not have ever filed an electronic tax return or given us your checking account number. Perhaps you don’t even have one!! We encourage you to look out your window at the mailbox. DO NOT GET TOO CLOSE TO THE WINDOW! THE VIRUS COULD BE RIGHT THERE!!! At some point in the next several days to months, a postal employee will bring you a check, too. You’re welcome.
Those of you having a hard time applying for benefits because your state unemployment office is jammed up with 9,000 percent more requests than it has ever handled before, stay positive and remember the human body can run on a surprisingly low number of calories per day.
BUSINESS HELP IS ON THE WAY!!
Some of you may be business owners who are currently watching your life’s work swirl down the toilet, and boy do we have some great news for you!! The Payroll Protection Program (PPP) is on its way RIGHT NOW! This will give you a loan equal to two months of payroll and some operational expenses that will allow you to pay employees we caused you to lay off. (Imagine a smiling Uncle Sam emoji here!) The best part is you won’t even have to pay this loan back if you spend it all hiring those people back before you have to fire them again because the economy is a massive dumpster fire.
We mean, after the economy is ON fire! There’s absolutely no reason business owners should fear a “sluggish” return to normal cash flow once we figure out when to reopen the country. We’re encouraging lots of hiring and buying, even if you have no faith any of your customers will be coming back soon, or that we won’t just shut everything down again in the fall.
Top government economists are already working on projections for “The Recovery,” so stand by! Just between us, we originally asked the University of Washington guys to spit out some economic projections, but they were too high even for US to believe. (Stick to predicting pandemics, boys!) Trust us though, the economy is going to be great!*
And there’s even more! You business owners can also get an Economic Injury Disaster Loan, or EIDL. This is an SBA loan that will allow you to pay us back for 30 (Yes, THIRTY!!!) years at a rate of just 3.75 percent. We know some of you may be skeptical about how much it helps to have a fat new loan to pay for the rest of your life, but it probably beats selling yourself on the internet or barbecuing rat meat over a barrel fire, right?
Now there are just a few hundred pieces of information we’ll need, and definitely collateral and personal guarantees along with a few bodily fluids. Some of you may feel like that’s kind of risky given the shaky fiscal outlook ahead, but really, what choice do you have? Just close your eyes and sign.
The EIDLs should be arriving within the next few months, hopefully before your bankruptcy hearings even begin! Here at the government we know time is of the essence! Even so, you might want to park your car in a different place every night. Keeps the repo men off your trail.
We will admit some of this has caught us off guard a little. We didn’t really think so many of you were going to need money. Don’t all businesses have lots of extra money saved in case they’re shut down for a few months? They should. Really, this is kind of your fault, guys.
Always know we here at the government have your best interests at heart, even if it might seem otherwise at times. We would leave you with an 800 number to call or an email address if you need to “reach out” to us, but realistically we’re way too busy right now to answer your questions. Just stay positive and keep looking out for those checks.
*Promise good for next 10 years.
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