Leo (7/23-8/23) — It’s back to school time and you’ll return uninvited just to brush up on state history and possibly make new friends. Someone will steal your lunch money. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate with the least flexibility.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In celebration of the USS Alabama’s 75th birthday, you’ll host a flag-raising ceremony and a 21 water gun salute. In recognition of the USS Drum, you’ll hold your breath through the tunnel. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who has dabbled in poetry.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll challenge Doug E. Fresh to a rap battle and lose. But the performance will secure you a verse on Sonny Bama’s latest single. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who is off most Fridays.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll pay a visit to The Royal Knight and order a biscuit with a single cup of country gravy. No one will ever harsh your mellow. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who is mad chillin’.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll purchase waterfront property as an “investment opportunity,” indifferent to the fact that mobile homes never appreciate and a stagnant ditch is not actually “waterfront.” You’ll vote for the lone female Senate candidate.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll be more excited than the Crocodile Hunter when you encounter a local manatee pod this month. You’ll be so awed by the experience, you’ll gain 400 pounds and begin living in a pool. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who saved the whales.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll invite Mobile’s mayoral candidates to debate the best MoonPie flavor. Not surprisingly, the underdog will admit he’s always preferred Orion Choco Pies. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate with the prettiest dog.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll find yourself in a sticky situation down at the Acme Glue Factory. You would have made millions too if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate with the biggest comic book collection.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll solve two cities’ least important problems by trapping the coyotes in Spring Hill and relocating them to Fairhope’s overpopulated goose ponds. You’ll be awarded a key to Wilmer. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who doesn’t care about college football.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Fresh off a late summer trip to a water park, you’ll design something similar for your backyard. You’ll be disappointed when the zoning board rejects your signature Wedgie Maker for setback and height violations. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who prefers Butch Burgers to Callaghan’s.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Growing increasingly concerned the Aug. 21 solar eclipse will signal the beginning of the end, you’ll cross three things off your bucket list this week: eating plain oatmeal; sitting in silence for 24 hours; and hugging an unshorn sheep. You’ll vote for the Senate candidate who secretly cross-dresses.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Feeling nostalgic, you’ll get a tattoo of that weird, geometric “S” shape drawing all the kids did in the margins of their homework back in the day. Wait, they still do that? WTF is that thing anyway? You’ll wait until the general election to vote in the Senate race.