It’s time for another somewhat exciting issue of Kudos and Kooties, the Hidden Agenda column gimmick which heaps praise and poo poo on all of the good and god-awful things going on in our community, respectively speaking, of course. (If you say the previous sentence in a game show announcer voice, it takes this from somewhat exciting to marginally exciting. (Or wait, maybe it’s the other way around. Strike that, reverse it!) Anyway, we have lots of things to get to this week, so let’s get started.

Tell us about our contestants, Bob!

Well Ashley, Kudos go to:

Mayor Sandy Stimpson and the Mobile City Council … for continuing with their plan to reduce the police jurisdiction from 3 miles to 1.5, saving the good ol’ town of Mob millions of dollars. Even though they have delayed the final vote for a couple of weeks, the majority of the council has said they favor the move. Though the administration probably could have expressed a little more effectively that they did not plan to leave these citizens and the county in a “lurch” come Jan. 1, which many thought they would, including the Mobile County Commission.

But of course, they weren’t just going to watch people’s houses burn down or let their homes be invaded by zombies. Come on, now. The city has committed to making a sector-by-sector transition, making it as smooth as a young Sandy Bear’s fur once was. So baby Kooties to them, for as the Beastie Boys would say, a little “ill communication,” but still, this is more great news for our city, as it should help strengthen our public safety within the city limits and hopefully will help fund the mayor’s budget plan to increase the embarrassing wages of our police and firefighters.

And I bet once everything is in place, it will increase response times in the county too. Who doesn’t love a win-win?

And more kudos to college football season … for many things. For getting to prepare dips full of cheese (or pasteurized cheese product) and sour cream and sausage, as Tom Rinaldi makes you weep with some gut-wrenching story of death and/or disease every week on SportsCenter.

For goofy GameDay signs involving Nickelback and other crappy bands. For butts, ribs and burgers on the grill every weekend. For getting to awkwardly jump up and down in your living room with friends and family, clumsily missing high fives, during an amazing play or touchdown. Or for even groaning together (or shooting your cousin) over a missed field goal or interception.

For trash talking with your coworkers and friends all week long and then either gloating or saying something like, “Well y’all deserved to win. Y’all just outplayed us — plain and simple.” And for giving us all something less depressing to focus on than the presidential election. In the immortal words of Bernie Sanders, I really don’t care about Hillary’s damn emails anymore. I’ll take a juicy NCAA investigation (of someone else’s team) over a DOJ one any day of the week and twice on Saturday!

Did I mention cheese?

To our local weather peeps … for not sensationalizing the coverage of Tropical Depression #9 (or perhaps Hermine by the time this paper hits the streets). It was nice to see most of them say, “Meh, we’re probably fine” instead of “Stay constantly glued to your TVs and weather apps and alerts and me, me, me because you just never know. There is a .01 percent chance it could jog back to the west, which I know is small, but if I have to suffer through this over-the-top coverage, I’m bringing you all along with me.” (I’m paraphrasing. No meteorological science was used in the formulation of this section.)

And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the program, Bob. Who are we giving Kooties to this week?

Well, Ashley, there are so many, I only hope we have enough to go around. (Insert game show announcer laugh). Let’s take a look, shall we?

The Alabama Legislature … for taking away OUR chance to weigh in on the state lottery. The Alabama Medicaid system is a disaster and the education budget could have received a nice chunk of change, but none of them care about that. Nope, not at all. The four Ps were far more important.  

Some were more worried about what their Pastors thought, while others were trying to please the Poarch and Pooch powers that be — the Poarch Creek Indians, who have casinos in Atmore, Montgomery and Wetumpka, as well as Mobile Greyhound Park and Milton McGregor, owner of Victoryland Greyhound Park and Casino, both of whom would like to keep the Alabama gambling pie to themselves, the only official state dessert (sorry, Lane Cake, but girl, you know it’s true).

And finally Politics, as some feared a November vote on the lottery would bring out more voters, which could turn elections in their hometowns in ways they didn’t want.

Grrrrr. These puppets make me sick.

And I’m sure they will just try to use BP money that should stay in coastal Alabama to put a Band-Aid on the bullet hole that is Medicaid. And if they do that, here’s hoping an antibiotic-resistant, superbug strain of Kooties that is politically fatal will infect them all. But hell, who are we kidding, it will probably just get them re-elected.

And to the North Baldwin Utilities Board, which, as reported in the Aug. 18 issue of Lagniappe by Jason Johnson, purchased two homes back in 2013 in swanky Steelwood for “visiting consultants” to use. These homes were purchased from a trust in the name of the late father-in-law of Bay Minette Mayor Bob Wills, who was just re-elected late last month.

The trust is managed by another board member, James H. “Jim” Robertson. Though they had an AG’s opinion saying the board could buy property and both Wills and Robertson abstained from the board’s vote, this is still as shady as shady gets.

These consultant chateaus were supposed to provide housing for those looking to locate into the $32 million Baldwin County Mega Site, which was built four years ago and still remains vacant. Oops!

So, now they are just informally renting out the houses, but they do swear they can kick their tenants out at a moment’s notice if these mystery “visiting consultants” should ever magically appear.

Yes, the connection between Wills and Robertson to the trust is beyond troubling, but why a water board would be buying not one but two luxury homes for “visiting consultants” in the first place is just insane. I’m pretty sure God and Hilton created “residence inns” for such purposes. I mean, MAYBE you could buy this story if, say, there had been such a crazy consultant influx to the mega site that they were having to build tent cities to house these gurus of the consult, but yeeeeaaahhhh, that never happened.

What was that again, Bob? Oh yes, it still sits vacant. And Bob, I know we are giving Kooties to these guys, but could you tell us what the citizens of Bay Minette are also getting as part of their prize package? Well, Ashley, they just re-elected him, so ding! ding! ding! They will continue getting the government they deserve!