Aries (3/21-4/19) — Preparing for your first direct flight from Brookley Field to Chicago, you buy a Cubs cap and eat a deep-dish pizza. When you’re ready to take advantage of another direct route to Denver, you start a keto diet and add “Leaving on a Jet Plane” to your iTunes library.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Anxious about the future of the Mobile Civic Center, you stage a hunger strike outside the ticket window until the property is developed into mixed-used space under a public-private partnership, or until you receive a refund for R Kelly’s 2011 concert there, whichever comes first.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — With SoundsSounds Music Fest approaching and Hangout Fest on the horizon, you begin to look to replenish your supply of festival glitter. Only when you innocently ask an undercover cop to borrow some do you learn “glitter” is a new kind of designer drug.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Getting ready for a late spring break, you purchase some SPF 100 and a new pair of sunglasses. You’ll still get sunburned, but now you can treat it with the miracle cure-all of CBD oil.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — With perhaps the only logical suggestion for the future use of Fairhope’s K-1 Center, you attend a public meeting to express the need the need for more affordable housing on the Eastern Shore. The existing building could be divided into several 500-square-foot studio apartments for a rate of anything less than $1,000 per month.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You rest easy knowing the state of Alabama is considering making it a crime to retain or dispose of human organs without notifying the next of kin. But at some point you’re still going to have to explain all that skin hanging in your basement closet.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Gearing up for Auburn University’s appearance in the Final Four, you stock up on toilet tissue. It’s not for rolling Toomer’s Corner, but rather for a very bad reaction you’ll have to the hot wings you eat Saturday.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Having all your calls go straight to a full voicemail box for weeks on end, you go on a hunt to find the city of Mobile’s elusive arborist. When you learn he is also a seasoned party magician, you realize he’s been hiding in plain sight the whole time.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Hearing that hemp may be grown legally for the first time in Baldwin County this year, you return to your underground lab to find new uses for its fibers. After months of trial and error, your new hemp hair weave will be lauded for both its natural appearance and environmental friendliness.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — When State Auditor Jim Zeigler announces the items available in the state’s upcoming surplus property auction, you eagerly search the list for Wanda’s desk. It’ll be hard to differentiate from all the other desks, so bring a blacklight and body fluid detection kit.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — After you receive your second past-due notice on your cable bill, you’ll contemplate what it would be like to be one of the shadow people from the movie “Us.” Sure, you’d have to eat living rabbits and red has never been your color, but there would be less responsibility.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Given the recent “everything must go” nature of the city in regard to its property holdings, you’ll put in an offer to buy your neighborhood park. You’re cash poor, so the offer of three consecutive home-cooked meals will be rejected.
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