Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) — After hearing that Jake Lloyd, of Star Wars Episode One fame, was arrested following a police pursuit, you’ll be appalled at the sheer amount of “pod racing” jokes. Even more horrifying will be Jar Jar Binks’ role in the fiasco, which will go largely unreported. Despite his compliance, reports will show that Binks, a Gungan, was struck repeatedly by a Tuscan officer. In a prepared statement, Binks’ lawyer said, “How rude!” before gurgling loudly.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) — As you often do, you’ll find yourself wondering what that random tingling sensation in your toes might be. One thing is clear — this is not a coincidence, as it’s been happening for at least a decade. As is often scribed amongst the stars, one or two toes may indicate a desire to attend several house parties. However, three or more tingling toes could and almost certainly does indicate a desire to get on a boat and party, and to do so immediately.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) — When your neighbors ask you to remove the Green Day flag from your apartment balcony, you will have a crisis of confidence. You don’t want your neighbors to think you like an awful arena rock band, but you want to celebrate the heritage of the band’s early albums “Dookie” and “Kerplunk.” As a compromise, you only fly the flag in the daytime, while neighbors are at work and you sit at home in your underwear eating Cheetos and watching YouTube videos.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) — When your car’s air conditioner dies in June, you decide to keep an extra pair of trousers and polo shirts and a stick of deodorant in your car in case you get too sweaty. Your co-workers appreciate your dedication to looking good and smelling fresh on those 90-degree summer days. You tell yourself to save half your next paycheck to repair the A/C, but the savings disappear once you hear about the new Foosackly’s location in town.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) — Your efforts to start a local chapter of the “I Still Love Seinfeld” club are successful when you connect with a fellow traveler and meet for lunch. You’ll put on your vintage “Puddy’s Auto Repair” T-shirt and head to the Chinese buffet, where you and your new friend spend hours doing “the voice” and reciting lines from your favorite episodes. You’ll share laughs when you order a big salad from the waitress, who is clearly judging your life choices.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/22) — In an act part civil disobedience and part political commentary, you register ToiletPAC with the Federal Elections Commission. Promising to endorse any candidate who refuses to accept support from shady political action committees, rather than fund a portion of their campaign you simply flush all money donated to ToiletPAC directly down the commode. Your first donation is attributed to a urinal cake producer.
Capricorn (12/23 – 1/19) — Hoping to “land” a lucrative no-bid contract paid for by the Sheriff’s discretionary funds, you begin R&D on your latest invention: COPSHOES®, which are shoes for cops. Yes, they are $900 per pair, but they have a pocket — for things — and laces that tie from the left to the right, rather than the other way around. Your efforts will be rewarded. You will retire young with a vast pile of taxpayer money.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) — Unconvinced by DNA tests indicating the feces in Fairhope originated from an avian source, you throw yourself into complicated research involving genetics and evolution. Your break comes years later from an ancient Roman mythological text, and you conclude the feces were actually deposited by a small flock of harpies. Obviously, the half-human, half-bird creatures from hell swept into the picturesque, white-washed community late that night to rob it of its most recent batch of undesirables.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) — After watching your favorite golfer’s dismal outing at last week’s U.S. Open, you’ll be inspired to suck at golf yourself this week. Even though it has been roughly four years since you last swung a club, you’ll give it a try. You’ll lose all your balls before eventually collapsing from heatstroke. Unfortunately you’ll have made it to only the third hole. It might help to go to the nearest wholesale warehouse and invest in the large box of balls.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) — After being outed, the former head of a large international sports organization will emigrate to the United States for an exciting “change of pace.” A country he once loathed doesn’t seem so bad once the pressure of an FBI inquiry has passed. Like most retirees, the western European native will expose his white skin to the white sands and sun of Florida, home to a remarkable number of current and former dictators.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) — Next summer you’ll learn that your poodle-mix Mitzi will have the honor of taking the ceremonial first poop at the dog park at Public Safety Memorial Park. While you’ll be excited at the opportunity awaiting your four-legged best friend, the excitement goes to Mitzi’s head. She’ll immediately stop eating your “low-brow” generic dog food and start yearning for the holistic stuff at specialty stores. She’ll begin to demand no less than a 500-thread-count dog bed and will only drink filtered water.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) — In keeping with your benevolent and universally beloved family traditions, you’ll proudly put a brand new Confederate flag on display in front of your double-wide trailer. As an added bonus, the pole will give you an extra area to “hang” your Ku Klux Klan robe out to dry. With all the time you save, you might even be able to squirrel away a few hours to ponder why everyone assumes you’re racist without really getting to know you.