Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You had so much fun dressing up as Ray Arnold from “Jurassic Park” on Halloween that you’ll decide to dress and act like Samuel L. Jackson’s computer tech character for the rest of the year. Unfortunately you won’t think about the offensive implications of a cellphone store manager appropriating the culture of a computer tech guy, and your work friends will publicly shame you on social media for being a hater. You’ll die when the velociraptor your boss keeps locked in the office basement eats you.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — An office argument about the virtues of an all-female “Ocean’s 11” remake will escalate quickly. What started as a polite disagreement will become a shouting match between you and Bob from accounting, who insists that remaking a bad movie with women in the lead roles is actually reverse sexism. You’ll both be fired when your boss, who is a woman, steps in to tell you you’re both idiots. In the parking lot, you and Bob will plan a quirky heist to get revenge.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — With five pounds of leftover Halloween candy and childhood obesity staring down your kids, you’ll perform your civic duty and eat all of it before they do. A former fat child who shopped in the “husky” section with your mom, you’ll take one for the team and eat all the chocolate before your kids return home from school in the afternoon. A diabetic coma won’t be too pleasant, but you’ll rest easier knowing your kids won’t be rolling up and down the hallways at the elementary school.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Taking a cue from numerous Republican presidential campaigns, you’ll decide next week that you, too, are finished with answering difficult questions. Similar to the way an electorate might hold its politicians accountable, your boss will demand to know why you were three hours late to work. Despite the reasonableness of the inquiry, you’ll take a stand against “gotcha” moments such as that — agreeing only to answer questions for which you’ve had time to prepare a carefully crafted and broadly appealing answer.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll wind up in jail after Alabama comes up with a win over Louisiana State University this weekend. While the Tide’s tradition of shutdown defense will continue, unfortunately so will your tradition of needing to sexually assault a member of the losing fanbase. While you won’t remember the encounter, you’ll get a little too rowdy while gloating to members of the LSU faithful. Despite the setback of having to register as a sex offender, a new “16” decal will finally take your Silverado to the next level.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After a day of sleeping it off, you’ll look back on the Hangout Oyster Cook-Off as a total success. While some might be mortified at having made WKRG as the guy who streaked through the Fairhope Brewing Co. tent, it’s just another day at the office for a legend such as yourself. You’ll have your work cut out as you struggle to remember the new recipes, craft beers and friends you discovered over the weekend, but the overall experience will be one for the books.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll give up eating hot dogs and processed meats when it’s published that studies have found human DNA encased in your favorite frankfurter. Big hot dog will say it’s random skin or hair from the manufacturing process, but you’ll know better. The mainstream media doesn’t want to report all the “accidents” that result in workers falling in vats of pre-hot dog meat jelly. After only weeks your desire for a hot dog will be insatiable. There’s clearly something wrong with you.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) —After hearing next March that you voted for Ted Cruz in Alabama’s Republican presidential primary, your family will sue for power of attorney over everything you own. Based on the facts of the case, which include you marking the box for the least sane candidate from either side, a local judge will find you’re clearly not right and grant the motion. You’ll eventually snap out of your political fog, but not before voting for Bernie Sanders in the general election.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — In anticipation of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” you’ll decide to revisit the entire Star Wars saga with your children throughout November. Being the rational human you are, you’ll start with “A New Hope” and work your way through the series that way. Your kids will really enjoy themselves until the journey loops around to “The Phantom Menace.” The sub-par movie will make your children physically ill. They’ll refuse to watch anymore of the prequels, or the new movie. Don’t ruin Star Wars for them. Don’t let your kids watch Episode 1.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — News that Anonymous hackers are releasing the names of Ku Klux Klan members has you on edge. While you’re certain your own name isn’t listed, you’ve always had your suspicions about your bitter Uncle Ken, your elderly neighbors the Conroys and your friend nicknamed Rebel who works at the shipyard. But to your surprise they’ll also be absent. Unfortunately, it all comes together after they independently invite you to a worship service one Sunday at Westboro Baptist Church.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You find the city of Mobile’s new courtroom software so efficient, you begin to break municipal ordinances just for the enjoyment of being dealt swift justice. Those $70 parking meter violations and $200 curbside sign tickets are almost a convenience now that you don’t have to juggle so much damn paperwork. But after dozens of appearances in just a few months, the judge begins to worry about your sanity. Ironically, you’ll face involuntary commitment proceedings in probate court, a case which isn’t dismissed until the year 2046.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — A passive-aggressive power struggle at the Mobile Area Water and Sewer Service has you sniffing around for signs of a conspiracy. Sources try to convince you it’s just an attempt to curb any talk of acquiring the assets of the Prichard Water Board, but you suspect the motives are more personal. You obtain hard evidence during a quick trip to the break room, where you find the door locked and a crude handwritten sign posted outside reading “NO FORMER MAYORS OR THEIR STAFF ALLOWED.”