Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll be hired as manager of the Mobile BayBears at the start of the next baseball season. You’ll be so successful that Major League Baseball will promote the whole team straight to The Show. The ‘Bears will replace a terrible Braves team.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll open a lowfat frozen yogurt shop in Daphne. Unfortunately you’ll be sued when patrons discover the frozen treats are made from full-fat cat’s milk. The health department will close the business when a child finds a hairball in her parfait.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You will purchase a new suit for an upcoming social event and be dismayed at how much your midsection and butt have grown in the last three years. You’ll blame the delicious chicken at Foosackly’s and Southern heat for the weight gain.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You will be appointed to Fairhope’s pedestrian and bicycle committee but be disappointed to discover it isn’t a group of soccer moms who ride bikes around town. After sitting through a three-hour public meeting, you’ll resign and join a book club instead.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — Inspired by the Olympics, you perform simple tasks with unusual athleticism. A pancake breakfast becomes a discus throw, walking turns into rhythmic gymnastics and jumping on the trampoline … wait, jumping on a trampoline is an Olympic sport?
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In honor of the 18th annual Gulf Coast Jazz and Heritage Festival, you’ll communicate only through scat singing. After awhile, your friends and family bada bwi ba ba bada bo bada ba da bo bwi ba ba ba do.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — For the anniversary of the Battle of Mobile Bay, you host an aquatic demolition derby with canoes and kayaks. Mocked after choosing to squeeze your plump derrière into a bikini bottom, you defiantly declare, “Damn these poor Speedos! Full steam ahead!”
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll be jolted awake by a recurring night terror. While it won’t make much sense the following day, throwing a particularly soft pillow at what you believe to be a demonic presence will seem like a solid defensive move at 2 a.m.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — To emulate the 2016 Olympics in Rio De Janeiro, you’ll shut off your air conditioning and indoor plumbing. After strolling downtown to order a hot beer, you’ll complete the experience by becoming the victim of an armed robbery.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll run an uncontested county commission race next year after Sen. Jeff Sessions’ appointment to President Donald Trump’s cabinet thrusts Mobile’s usual cast of politicos into a high-stakes game of musical chairs. Sadly, the apocalypse will begin before you’re sworn in.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You will be annoyed by a new company-wide policy and watch as your co-workers ignore it without being reprimanded. You have no marketable skills, though, so you can’t quit and must suffer through without saying a word.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be able to tell campaign season is heating up in Mobile, after complaining about a busted sidewalk nets you three different appointments in front of city and council staff members. You’ll wish every year was an election year until the advertisements start.