Sagittarius (11/21 – 12/22) – After noticing that you like a college football team in the state of Alabama, Facebook will suggest that you follow the Virginia Tech wrestling team. Though at first you like it out of spite, you eventually become a huge fan VT wrestling and over time you’ll start inundating your facebook friends with updates on the “Rolling Hokies.” After a disappointing season on the mat, you’ll abandon your newfound love for a stronger program — the strapping ladies of the “Old Dominion Dominatrixes.”
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – While getting ready for a night on the town, an unfortunate makeup incident will leave you with eyebrows only a cartoon character could envy. Though popular fashion trends have their place, that place is certainly not two uneven locations in the middle of your forehead. You’ll be constantly made fun of at work not because your coworkers don’t care about your feelings, but because your new “faux brows” won’t allow you to convey that their comments are hurtful.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – You’ve managed to keep it a secret for years but Thursday it is suddenly and painfully revealed: You hate cranberry sauce. Disgusted by its gelatinous appearance and curious lack of scent, every Thanksgiving past you’ve managed to tactfully remove it from your plate and dispose of it in a napkin on your lap. But this year your mom notices, and the rift it causes in the family will take years to mend. Try to soothe things over by pretending to enjoy some of the other canned side items.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Disenchanted by the accusations against childhood hero Bill Cosby, you write letters to other TV dads of yesteryear to inquire about their own criminal proclivities. You are surprised to receive a response from Bob Saget admitting that he was a prolific vandal, writing graffiti under the pseudonym KC, which stands for “Kill Coulier.” David Hasselhoff admits that he could have been a better father figure for Hobie in “Baywatch,” but he was saddled by one of the world’s first documented cases of bath salts addiction.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – After reading a story in Lagniappe about the city’s legal settlements, you concoct a litigious get-rich scheme. On trash day, you hop in the garbage bin and wait for the truck to pick you up. The minor scrapes and bruises you’ll receive as you’re dumped into a pile of rotting filth may be worth a few hundred thousand, after attorney’s fees. But suspicious of your story, the city countersues and the case goes to trial. A jury of your peers convicts you of fraud and orders, in addition to paying damages, you take a long bath.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – Despite what Fox News tells you, you’ll find job opportunities are plentiful in the Port City. However, none are really what you’re looking for. The problem is, nobody will be hiring for the position of hairy, lazy slob. You’ll begrudgingly take a position in a supermarket deli to make ends meet. You’ll be fired two days later, after management discovers you’ve been eating pieces of the display salami. That’s frowned upon, apparently.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – There will only be so much “Maury” you can take before clinical depression will begin to sink in. Now a month removed from the accident, you’ll be able to begin shuffling around on your bad legs. Although you’re well past the age that it’s cool, you will have all of your friends sign the casts because you’re so freaking awesome. You’ll also scratch under the cast a lot and play the “smell my finger” game with the family dog. It will be the best two weeks of Rover’s life.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Enraged by the gang’s attempts at intimidation, you’ll make several signs out of ketchup that artlessly explain “all other hot dog carts in the area will give you Ebola.” Mobilians will believe the signs and flock to your cart. You’ll add mini corndogs to the menu and business will take off. While you’re raking in the dough, the “Sour Krauts” will be plotting your demise. They will relish the opportunity to do you in. Your troubles with them are far from over.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – After you are unable to score tickets to see one of your favorite bands, you’ll become outraged with ticket bots and scammers. Determined to develop something better than basic glitch CAPTCHAS, you’ll lock yourself in your bedroom and become one with coding. Hours spent trying to decipher numbers, dashes and seemingly random parenthesis will prove to be more than you can handle. You won’t discover a genius solution to your problems, but you will start your own moderately successful band called “Two-tone Pony.”
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – A week from Tuesday, a rogue banana peel will create a Mario Kart-esque pileup on Government Street. Unfortunately, you’ll be completely out of Koopa Troopa shells and your vehicle will careen straight into Government Plaza. You’ll be disoriented after crashing into the offices of several elected officials and because everyone is too busy sorting out the city’s Christmas festivities and compiling record requests, no one will save you. However, you will be offered a moon pie.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – Upon finding out that Arts Alive! will be moved from Cathedral Square to Brookley Aeroplex, you’ll begin planning a diabolical sabotage. You’ll successfully convince a local IT programmer to fly you around in his private plane, and on the big day, you’ll drop smoke bombs and parachute onto the field. Your shenanigans won’t be highly praised like the guys who parachuted into Bryant-Denny Stadium, and you’ll be attacked with handmade art and subject to a fine-art firing squad.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – After buying groceries for the entire week, you’ll be surprised to find yourself eating out again. Your inability to stick to a meal plan will be evidenced by the bags of fast food trash in your car. Eventually, you’ll take extreme measures by leaving the grid and planting a small garden to survive. After a lifetime of avoiding horticulture, you wouldn’t know it takes month to reap any food from farm production. Years from now, scientists will find your starved corpse under a pile of Arby’s trash in your passenger seat.