Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You will soon embark on an adventure when you decide to make extra money by agreeing to wrestle a bear at a local watering hole. Excitement will build for the event called “Bearly Legal” until you arrive at the venue and begin to immediately have regrets when you notice the grizzly is a fan of one of the 1980s best wrestlers. Your hairy opponent will be decked out in yellow spandex and a bandana. It’s Bearamania time! You will immediate retire from the match.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — A night at a local beer festival goes terribly wrong as you will drink a tight 12 and get extremely hungry. In your drunken state, you decide to steal the Geaux Boy truck and take it for a joy ride. You will drive recklessly through downtown grabbing bags of Zapp’s chips to satisfy your belly. You will stop to make yourself a sandwich when a line of hungry patrons forms. You will run screaming from the truck at the sight of customers because the idea of working in the food-service industry was causing Vietnam-like flashbacks.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Nothing is better than helping a local charity by participating in a 5K run on a warm spring morning, unless you’re out of shape. Like always, you will agree to run with the plan to workout and build up your stamina before the race. Back episodes of “Game of Thrones” and a tub of Ben and Jerry’s somehow appear on your workout schedule. You won’t train, and halfway through your aggressive jog your legs will commit mutiny. You will retire from the race in disgrace and will never run again.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll go out by yourself to karaoke only to find that intoxicated friends are an integral part of the support system needed for such activity. You’ll leave the OK Bike Shop angrily after a guy mumbling the words to a Blink 182 song gets a substantially better crowd reaction. Later this week, you’ll debate a substantial, but useless, purchase and ultimately begin to resent the adult sensibilities that remind you of things like rent and potential car problems. You’ll soon forget about those in your rented bouncy castle though. You can’t be grown all the time. It’s unsafe.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — After being pulled over leaving the entertainment district, you’ll stare down the eye of a Breathalyzer. As you address the officer with a mouthful of gum and cup-holder of change, you’ll start to wish you didn’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Your week will get better when you find out your roommate is gone for the week. You’ll be unencumbered and pleased as you stroll through the house naked to get a towel from the dryer. Your roommate, whose conference gets canceled, will not be pleased.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll scream at a passing motorist only to discover the gentlemen’s window is down. You’ll then have to somehow turn “wind bag” into a compliment, because he’ll be quite sizeable, despite his gullibility. The good news is, by next week, there will be an entire neighborhood gang using “wind bag” as a fraternal greeting. It’ll hit sometime this afternoon that you never filed your taxes. You wrote it on your hand, put the envelope on your desk but never managed to get down the post office. You don’t deserve a refund.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — During a relaxing bike ride after work, you’ll almost immediately get chased by a grumble of pugs. Launching themselves off of each other’s bodies while in full pug sprint, they’ll try to destabilize your rear wheel. Luckily, you’ve lived in fear of this day for years and will remember your training. You’ll remember pugs literally can’t breathe at all and you’ll turn for the nearest uphill street, pugs crashing in your wake. You’ll give your bike away and take a cab home.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — You’ll start couponing to save a few bucks. Much to your surprise, it works as you start to learn the ins and outs. However, you start buying so much in order to save that you eventually end up spending far more than you would have on a normal grocery-shopping trip. You’ll also lose your oldest son in the maze of Kellogg’s cereal that has become your pantry, kitchen and foyer. You’ll then start a business putting the cereal in generic bags and selling it back to the store. Apparently that’s how it works.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll blow a tire on Airport Boulevard. You won’t have a spare because it didn’t seem like a priority. As you attempt to push the car to the side of the road, several people will blow their horns at you — as if to remind you that what you’ve stalled on is indeed a roadway. After a few minutes honking, you’ll notice that not one of these people offers to get out and help you push. You’ll then proceed to open a beer, sit on your trunk and stare at them.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You will get thrown out of the upcoming Mobile City Council vote on the Blue Creek Coal Terminal. You will rack your brain about what it was that forced Gina Gregory to ask police to escort you outside. You’ll never know for sure, but a line will probably be crossed when you dress like Tinkerbell and throw coal dust, like fairy dust at each of the council members. On the bright side, you have to leave before Fred Richardson speaks, so it’s kind of a win-win.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You will need to be consoled after it becomes public that the owner of your favorite sports franchise is a stone-cold racist. Luckily there will be a support group for such fans. It was put in place, originally, to help misguided Redskins fans, but it will work for your situation as well. You will eventually try to switch to watching baseball, but Cubs games are also offensive. The world is not safe for a sports fan. You will become a fan of the “Walking Dead” instead. Zombies don’t have feelings.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — Your first day at the municipal pool will be an unmitigated disaster. Sure, you’ll posterize a few punk 7-year-olds at the poolside basketball court, but your pride in that victory is short-lived as you will later be busted for peeing in the pool. That story your parents told you when you were 5 turned out to be true. A purple halo of embarrassment will follow you as you make a lap through the water. If that wasn’t bad enough, you’ll get a cramp while trying to flee the grasp of the lifeguard who will be tasked with kicking you out.