Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Your favorite baseball team won the pennant for the first time in 71 years. Interestingly, that’s what it feels like to chew 5 Gum, not Wrigley. Happy birthday, Dale. And #RMFT while we’re at it.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll attend a workshop on the proposed I-10 bridge to ensure the unicycle and hoverboard communities are duly represented in the pedestrian planning process. You’ll arrive in a wheelbarrow and depart in a goat-drawn chariot.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — To celebrate the upcoming climax of raw oyster season, you’ll attempt to set a new record at Wintzell’s. But on your 12th dozen, you’ll demonstrate the homonym of the word “gross” when it all comes back up again.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — To combat a recent uptick in homicides, you’ll once again unleash your crime-fighting alter ego, MegaTon, to bring quick justice to the streets. Your only nemesis is United Nations Man, who enforces nuclear nonproliferation treaties.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After witnessing the fall of Ken Bone, you’ll attempt to review your online history and ensure there’s nothing anyone might find offensive or “off color.” Later, in the interest of time, you’ll swim to the bottom of the ocean and cut transatlantic communication cables instead.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — A realistic video game set during World War I will have you engrossed on a level you never imagined. While reliving one of America’s finest victories will be thrilling, the digital syphilis you bring back from “Over There” will put a real damper on the roaring ‘20s.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With the election in sight, you’ll start setting aside even more time each day to be hateful and condescending to people. Knowing an excuse this good only comes along every four years, you’ll make the most of the time between now and Nov. 8.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In the eighth paragraph of an online comment that reads more like a manifesto, you’ll realize you may spend too much time and energy on the internet. To keep readers interested, though, you’ll add “Roll Tide” to your profile picture and train a cat to walk on your keyboard.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll be shot with a pellet gun when your creepy clown costume is so realistic it scares a resident on a dusty Baldwin County road. You’ll give up costumes for good.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Based on the success of its Christmas tree lighting, the city of Fairhope will move forward with plans to add spooky Halloween lights to trees downtown. Free admission will be given to all those who push.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In need of money, you’ll rent out your automobile as an Airbnb location. The spot will be popular at first until guests realize just how filthy it is. There will be stale french fries, moldy drinks and unwanted mail all over the floor.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll land a job as Santa at the Shoppes at Bel Air this holiday season. Excited, you’ll get to work pretending to make kids’ dreams come true. The excitement will fade when you get peed on.
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
It looks like you are opening this page from the Facebook App. This article needs to be opened in the browser.
iOS: Tap the three dots in the top right, then tap on "Open in Safari".
Android: Tap the Settings icon (it looks like three horizontal lines), then tap App Settings, then toggle the "Open links externally" setting to On (it should turn from gray to blue).