Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A mediocre CrossFitter at best, you’ll finally be recognized for your strength when you beat the field of 9-year-olds in the Greater Gulf State Fair tractor pull. Your lucky fair food is corn dogs.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Giving in to an unrelenting child’s request, you’ll adopt a member of the Paw Patrol. Once he gets back to the house and removes his Marshall costume, you’ll find out he’s an illegal alien. Your lucky fair food is smoked turkey legs.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — You’ll get disoriented on the Tilt-A-Whirl and forget where you parked. Three days later, parched and nearly starving, you’ll be rescued by an elderly volunteer patrolling in a golf cart. Your lucky fair food is coconut shrimp.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll realize you’re no LeBron James when you can only sink two free throws in 60 seconds. You won’t win a prize, but the carny collecting your money offers an “attaboy.” Your lucky fair food is chocolate-covered fried strawberries.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll test your marksmanship at the miniature rifle range. While slow breathing and steady hands will get you close to the bullseye, the real key is pretending you’re assassinating an American oligarch. Your lucky fair food is hot tamales.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll realize things have been kind of stagnant in the bedroom after a ride on the carousel leaves you slightly aroused. To reverse the sensation, try riding it backwards. Your lucky fair food is roasted ears of corn.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll become oddly competitive on the Euroslide, adopting a German accent and deploying obstacles for your challengers like a game of Mario Kart. Your lucky fair food is an Oreo sundae on a stick.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Not one to lose touch with the fair’s traditional roots, you’ll spend an almost unhealthy amount of time in the barn gazing upon the prize cattle, hogs and chicken. Your lucky fair food is Polish sausage.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Your favorite fair attraction is the Hall of Mirrors, where, were it not for your concerned and loving significant other, you’d gaze at your own reflection until you waste away like Narcissus. Your lucky fair food is candy apples.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — Always a risk taker, you’ll break your collarbone when you attempt to recreate the stunts performed by The Extreme Motorcycle Thrill Show. You’ll be reminded to revisit your life insurance policy. Your lucky fair food is pizza by the slice.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — You’ll nearly be included in some unsanctioned Alabama history textbook for refusing to give up your seat on the ferris wheel to anyone, regardless of race, sex or religion. Your lucky fair food is chicken and waffles.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Your plan to wear your Halloween clown costume to the fair backfires after you’re mistaken for an employee and forced to clean an unexpected regurgitation from the roller coaster. Your lucky fair food is funnel cakes.