Cancer (6/21 – 7/22) – Fireworks erupt about a week after the Fourth of July when you get in a shouting match with a local barista over your use of “irregardless,” which the coffee maker will claim isn’t a word. Friends will pull you away from the conflict seconds before you were to have a pint of steamed milk thrown in your face. Afterward, you spend the night proving yourself right, but you return to the coffee shop the next morning to find a picture of your face with a red X through it.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – Your dream of riding in the pouch of a kangaroo will almost come to fruition after you break into the local zoo after dark. You will slowly creep toward the kangaroo enclosure and will stumble upon two of the marsupials engaged in a ravenous lovemaking session. The incident will bring about flashbacks from a previous trip to the zoo in third grade. Kangaroos, apparently, can’t keep their stubby little arms off of each other. You will run screaming from the animal park.
Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) – In an effort to make some quick cash to pay off an ever-lengthening daiquiri bill, you challenge all comers to games of Corn Hole at a local pub. In a classic situation, you will begin by struggling to score and, in many cases missing the board altogether. Feeling confident in your lack of abilities, your opponent will bet on the next game. You will win under controversial circumstances, but will continue challenging players until someone wary of hustling efforts threatens physical violence.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – After a rousing game of chess, you’ll move on to sampling some various herbal teas. This is all part of your attempt to be more British after the World Cup hype. Keeping with the theme, you’ll colonize your neighbor’s yard and insist they adopt your family’s culture. When they refuse, you’ll fire upon them with a cannon while exclusively referring to them as “savages.” You’ll also break down and buy an Ab Rocker. You won’t use it.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – A champagne brunch will turn bad quickly after you discover a hair perched atop your eggs Benedict. You’ll be even more concerned once you realize it’s only an inch long and curly. After shouting at the manager, the soiled food will be promptly taken away and you’ll be given a free meal. When the next plate comes out, you’ll be surprised to see that it’s literally covered in live bees. Afraid to say anything further, you clean the plate and leave brunch with a nice buzz.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – After a staying awake for nearly two days, you’ll begin to notice things around the office you never have before. You’ll start to think the phone’s ring sounds like the call of a robotic bird. After a few hours, it’s possible you could start to imagine you work for a company that makes robotic birds. Eventually, your tired brain deduces that you work at or may in fact be Twitter. A few hours of using hashtags in conversation, your bosses decide you’re not pulling weight and you’re fired from Twitter.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – Keep a baseball bat handy in the coming days. Your home security system will short circuit and the whole neighborhood will catch wind of it. You’ll instantly regret all those times you openly flaunted your goods. Your neighbors will ultimately form a coalition, call themselves hustlers and plan to take you down. By the time it’s all over, you’ll have nothing left but your twin-size mattress and a ratty old T-shirt. Good thing you didn’t throw that bad boy away. It’s probably a good time to ask your boss for a raise.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18) – Your self-esteem is about to take a pretty hard blow. In an attempt to redeem yourself, you’ll organize a meticulous plan to land yourself in Metro Jail just to prove you can look as good as that “Hot Mugshot Guy.” However, your plan won’t go exactly as you imagined and your mug will look less than ideal. Arrested in Mobile will post your infamous portrait for all the world to see and will refuse your request to have it removed. Your significant other won’t be pleased, and your mom won’t be happy when she has to bail you out.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Even though Belgium eliminated the U.S. Men’s National Team from the World Cup, you refuse to believe it. You’ll quickly become incapacitated, obsessively checking Wikipedia for game times and watching live streams in your office all day. Your career will begin suffer but your social life will blossom tremendously. Refusing to wear any color other than red, white and blue, you’ll be forever famous at O’Daly’s as you become known as the “I Believe That We Will Win” chant leader. When you heroically save someone from getting punched in a bar fight, you’ll begin introducing yourself as Tim Howard.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You’ll find yourself locked into a staring contest with one of the penguins at the Exploreum’s new exhibit. You’ll begin to wonder if penguins have eyelids, as your own eyeballs grow watery and red from the conscious non-blinking. Just as your vision grows hazy, you make a subconscious connection with the flightless bird and suddenly, you can hear his thoughts. Expecting to hear complaints about the relentless smell of feces, you are delighted to learn the penguin is more interested in discussing the lesser-known personal correspondence of Marcel Proust.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – You go on a communal bike ride to the top of the Dog River Bridge only to discover you are widely out of shape. You will fall behind the pack somewhere around the second mile, but will meet them again on their way back. Disappointingly, they admit they didn’t even realize you were gone, but you confidently ride on, eventually walking your bike to the top of the bridge before throwing it over the rail into the water below.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – Things get uncomfortable in a meeting where you can’t control your sweating. You don’t carry a handkerchief, so your sleeves become a rag that you constantly run across your forehead to wick away the moisture. Someone gets you a cup of water but rather than drink it, you stand up, pour it over your head, rip your shirt off and yell “slip-and-slide!” before launching yourself across the room and getting a nasty carpet burn in the process.
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