Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — Inspired by news out of Florida, you’ll kick off your campaign for Mobile mayor by carving your name into a gross of MoonPies. You’ll almost skip as you hand out the mangled confections to passersby who will usually drop them on the ground. Litter pickup will be a plank of your platform.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — As an Ohio State fan, you’ll demand the NCAA find 29 more points to allow the Buckeyes to claim the national championship long after the game in Miami is over. Although the request seems like a long shot, you’ll get plenty of Auburn fans to go along with you because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. The attempt will ultimately fail, but not before badly discrediting the Crimson Tide.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Given the slow rollout of vaccines for COVID-19 and the need to keep some important football games in Mobile in the future, you’ll pitch to the City Council a plan to pay for the building of individual pods around seats at the Ladd-Peebles Sports and Entertainment Complex. The plan goes great until fans find out they’re trapped with their own farts.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — In a daring stroke of artistic defiance, you’ll request large chunks of wood from the damaged Bienville oaks and begin to piece a tree back together using only your ingenuity and some Gorilla Glue. Upset with the trees coming down in the first place, you’ll bring the creation back to the park and leave it there as a tribute to the tree lives lost.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Being the brilliant and smooth individual you are, you’ll convince local government and Carnival organizations to postpone instead of cancel upcoming events. You’ll guide them to an early October date for festivities and call it Tardy Gras.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — The news of scientists finding an FM signal on a moon of Jupiter will give you chills. Not because you’re afraid of some alien insurrection or attack on Earth, but because so-called superior life forms still haven’t figured out how to use satellite radio.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Vowing to be happier and healthier in 2021, you’ll start to exercise, eat better, drink more water and divorce your significant other. “New year, new you” will take on a whole new meaning when you sign the papers. Now, it’s time to party.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — As scientists around the globe head to Antarctica to search for the world’s oldest ice, you’ll scoff. The secret to finding the oldest ice known to man is to check your freezer. Ice in the corner of that thing has to be among the oldest ever.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — When your favorite professional football team fires its coach, you’ll never stop talking about it to co-workers. The issue becomes such a distraction that the office will have a human resources meeting and the words “Philadelphia” and “Eagles” will be banned from the space.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — On an arbitrary day in the coming months, a random person will toss a mutilated MoonPie to you. The strange part of the situation is it won’t be during Mardi Gras because there won’t be any parades. Unsure about what to do with the treat, you’ll let it drop to the ground before the stranger can give you a speech.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — After listening to an episode of Pete Riehm’s “Common Sense” radio program, you’ll begin to foam at the mouth and realize the guy who overcooked your eggs at Waffle House is actually Antifa. You’ll introduce friends to the show and before you know it, you’ll all be building pipe bombs in your shed.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Recently divorced and out on the market, you’ll discover the phenomenon of Zoom dates. The awkward encounters will not be improved by a meal for one and wine for one while your screen time per day increases by magnitudes. It’s too bad that your ex thought leaving you would improve their 2021.
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