Aries (3/21-4/19) — After seeing the excuse repeatedly used in the public sector, you’ll soon begin telling everyone you “resigned” from your last job and were not, in fact, canned for never showing up. Within a few months, you’ll become quite good at “tenderizing” those resignations.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Initially, you’ll be curious why masked assailants keep accosting you with hot branding irons at your own home. However, you’ll eventually learn that members of PETA were able to discern your identity from a grainy Polaroid pinned on the “ManMeat Challenge” board at a local burger joint.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your addiction to the internet will become evident when your service gets disrupted for a week. After watching your entire DVD collection and writing a blog entry on a napkin, you’ll start asking neighbors if there are any funny pictures of their pets you can look at.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Hoping to capitalize on the recent success of sports documentaries, you’ll help to introduce “Nickelback Demolition Night” at Hank Aaron Stadium. Unfortunately, you clearly haven’t watched the end of the TV documentary on the 1979 baseball promotion. Don’t worry, you’ll soon get the gist.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll run for mayor on a platform to convert sidewalks into Slip ‘N Slides. You won’t be elected, but your idea will be implemented. An icy winter in 2018 will lead to many injuries and a flurry of lawsuits.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll invent a new game called “beerball,” debuting it at the newly named Herndon-Sage Park. The object will be for a “batter” to run the bases before the designated basemen can chug a beer. The game will be forfeited by inebriation.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll lobby the state Legislature to sell Mobile and Baldwin counties to Florida to ease the burden in the state budget. While you want Alabama to fix its financial woes, your real goal is to get some medical weed.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll set a new record at the Azalea Trail Run this weekend — slowest time ever in your age group. But glory will be yours when you defeat the raw oyster eating record at Wintzell’s afterward.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — As rumors swirl about the governor’s impending resignation, you maneuver to gain a prominent role on the transition team. You’ll create a communications consulting firm using your initials and try to seduce Lt. Gov. Kay Ivey.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — To solve a controversy over sewage treatment in Baldwin County, you’ll introduce a novel idea — composting. As a result, this year’s silver queen corn crop will be more robust than ever, and it’s an added coincidence that the waste will be in the corn, rather than the other way around.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Now that the previous public safety director has stepped aside, you’ll restore order and integrity to the Mobile Fire-Rescue Department. Response times may not improve, but the annual calendar shoot will be more risqué than ever.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Concerned over the possibility of losing your health insurance coverage, you’ll start making healthier choices. Regular jogs and better eating will help lower your cholesterol, but the health care debate in Washington will keep your blood pressure elevated for the foreseeable future.