Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll be double-dog dared to lick a flagpole when the temperature falls below freezing. Your tongue won’t get stuck, but you will notice the subtle taste of coal dust and urine.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Always the procrastinator, you’ll do some last-minute Christmas shopping at the corner drugstore. You’ll walk out merrily like a bobo Santa, with a sack full of cheap perfume, bargain DVDs and giant, plain sweatshirts for everyone.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll pay homage to Hayley’s hellish bathroom during its 25th anniversary block party this weekend. You’ll run into your parents there, who are remembering the day 25 years ago when you were conceived in the cleanest bar bathroom in town.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Now that the new norm is to deny things in spite of empirical evidence, you’ll refuse to pay a traffic ticket. When confronted with evidence of your guilt in court, you’ll repeatedly yell, “WRONG” until the charge is thrown out.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll recover from injuries sustained after being robbed outside a local theater. Though the premiere of “Rogue One” will leave you feeling like a Jedi, your mind tricks will prove ineffective on the convicted felon who strong-arms your wallet.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Only 45 minutes into a localized power outage, you’ll make the rookie mistake of looting way too early. After screaming, “this is the end” and taking a crate of beer from a darkened Rite Aid, you’ll find a fully powered Texaco right down the street.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — After your significant other begins a crash diet, you’ll be forced to hide most of your favorite foods. While the approach works well for candy at home, explaining the half-eaten burrito your boss finds in the toilet tank at work will prove tricky.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Given the perceived influence fake news had on the presidential election, you’ll start your very own false media company. Unlike other organizations, you’ll avoid a political slant by only recreating the famous kangaroo punch video in various spots around Mobile.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — You’ll turn the old Gayfers building into an indoor water park, helping to make a county commissioner’s vision come true. Despite skepticism, the park will be the city’s most popular attraction until the slides begin to malfunction and cause massive injuries.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After not getting anything you wanted for Christmas despite a very lengthy list, you’ll swear off your family forever. That threat will only last until your mother pulls the goose from the oven. You always did enjoy crispy skin on a moist bird.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — You’ll destroy a child’s dream when they tell you every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. “No, little Zuzu,” you’ll say. “That just means it’s 3 o’clock.”
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Inspired by the city of Fairhope, you’ll only light your Christmas tree halfway up. But after you’re mocked on social media, you’ll spend $23,000 converting it to a Mardi Gras tree that’s only lit halfway down.