Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by the Coney Island hot dog eating contest, you’ll attempt a family record by eating your weight in cole slaw. Unfortunately, the attempt will make you cole sick and will lead to an unexpected stomach pumping. You’ll never eat that much again.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — To celebrate the opening of a doughnut shop near your house, the owners will shoot treats at customers with a pastry cannon. A chocolate doughnut will hit you in the face hard enough to leave a brown-tinted mark. You’ll get a lifetime supply of goodies as a result.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — When your July 4 revelry draws criticism from your Baldwin neighbors, you’ll plan to up the ante next year. Instead of sparklers, bottle rockets and Roman candles, next year you’ll test the county’s gun laws by firing your AR-15 into the air in celebration of America.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Inspired by #Brexit, you will establish a libertarian colony. Constructing a large wooden fence around your property, you’ll buy decommissioned government weapons from GovDeals.com and hire unacompanied foreign children to serve as border security.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — As elected officials head to London for the annual international air show, you’ll stow away and tag along. Instead of uncovering the secrets of international business discussions, the trip will initiate you into the underground world of high-stakes recipe trading.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — To combat the odor from a neighbor’s unlicensed industrial smoker, you’ll constantly boil a giant cauldron of potpourri in your firepit. Large quantities of dried petals and spices will get quite expensive, but no price is too high for passive aggressiveness.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — Attempting to solve a 40-year-old murder case, you’ll don a trenchcoat, deerstalker cap and monocle in a quest for fresh clues. You won’t get any closer to whodunit, but your noir voice and inquisitiveness will draw the attention of a classy dame.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll enter a mythical bishop-fish in the Alabama Deep Sea Fishing Rodeo’s “most unusual” category. But contrary to Polish folklore, the scientific community will learn the fish is simply named Bishop and he has a severe pornography addiction.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get into a Twitter war with one of Mobile’s elected officials. What starts as petty name-calling escalates when your criminal history is shared in a pinned Tweet. Of greater concern, your mother’s full name will also be added to all the city’s trash cans.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — After traffic on the Causeway becomes unbearable, you’ll abandon your car and swim home. It will prove to be the best decision timewise, but your tattered appearance will reinforce Eastern Shore stereotypes about Port City residents.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll have your life’s savings swindled in a jury duty scam next week. Though times will be tight for a while financially, you can rest well knowing that level of gullibility will make you a shoe-in when it’s time to seat an actual Mobile County jury.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — In the very near future, all of Mobile’s trees will be cut down and replaced with large metal poles with heavy duty awnings attached. The “shade poles” installed by the city will give all the shade of a tree without all the pesky benefits for the environment.
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