Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Your dream will come true as you’ll get an opportunity to dress as Teddy, the BayBears’ mascot. The excitement of knocking an item off your bucket list will be short-lived as you’ll ultimately embarrass yourself.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — After Webster’s Dictionary lists a hot dog as a sandwich, you’ll start a book-burning rampage. You’ll rid the world of every dictionary you can find, before turning your anger on the Bronte sisters. The dryness that is their prose only fuels the fires.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Approximately four years from tomorrow you’ll be headed to a new home planet after an overpopulation of caribou forces humans to find new digs. Luckily technology will prevail but needless to say, there won’t be caribou on Noah’s spaceship.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — After driving hundreds of miles between Daphne and various youth baseball tournaments in Mobile, you’ll decide to buy a Prius. The money saved on gas won’t be worth it after the glorified go-kart gets stuck in the mud of a Semmes parking lot.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — When politicians reject a plan to house illegal immigrant children in Baldwin County, you’ll open up your backyard. Much like your own children, your guests eat everything in your refrigerator and complain about the WiFi.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — A longtime political observer, you’ll run for the Fairhope City Council’s vacant Place 8 seat. On election day, your optimism deflates after discovering there are only five seats on the council and you’ve wasted everyone’s time.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll register for GulfQuest’s inaugural 5K completely out of shape and minutes removed from your last cigarette. However, you’ll set the pace after an ice cream truck meanders onto the course and you run as fast as you ever have trying to catch up.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You’ll take a vacation to fill out Nappie Awards ballots nonstop. But you’ll be severely disappointed when you learn afterward you can’t write yourself in for Mobile’s biggest procrastinator.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll attend the Murder Junkies show without fear of being graced by GG Allin’s body fluids. Delightfully, you’ll find the new lead singer actually bathes and massages each and every audience member during the course of the concert.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Years after witnessing the wall of the governor’s beach mansion being torn down, you’ll rediscover a few chunks of the rubble you managed to preserve. You’ll also remember you left your flip flops at the beach that day.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll lead countless chants at O’Daly’s during the U.S. soccer match against Ecuador. However, you’ll be given a red card after you refuse to stop screaming slurred excerpts from Bill Pullman’s speech in “Independence Day.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — After seeing graffiti from the class of 1976, you’ll decide there’s no age restrictions on criminal mischief. You’ll draw up a scheme to egg the nursing home, but will ultimately choose to bake a nice quiche and spend the morning on the veranda.