Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You’ll emerge from your post-election bunker to discover the sun is still shining and the birds are still chirping. However Democrats are now proposing a sunlight tax and Republicans are requiring the birds to learn English.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — You’ll convince former Mayor Mike Dow that a high-speed ferry terminal at GulfQuest is not optimistic enough. Together, you’ll entice lawmakers to spend billions of taxpayer money converting the building to be the ground floor of a space elevator.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — You decide to be resourceful this Thanksgiving and hunt for your own turkey. But after weeks of tracking a distant audible gobble, you’ll be disappointed to find Fred Richardson in the woods outside Nymph with a box of moonpies.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — Disappointed by the election results, you’ll launch a four-year effort to change the two-party system and control campaign financing. You’ll be thwarted every step of the way by People Against A Better Government PAC, otherwise known as Congress.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — After seeing a series of blown calls in the NFL, you’ll decide to try your hand at refereeing. You’ll eventually be sucked in by an unexplainable urge to benefit the Seattle Seahawks. You’ll be able to retire a month into your new career.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — You’ll urge your Congressman to create law requiring a certain time to pass before real events could be made into motion pictures. You’ll take on the effort partly out of respect for victims of tragedy, but mostly to stop what’s sure to be an awful sequel to “13 Hours.”
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — Basking in the uproar of Beyoncé’s CMA performance, you’ll begin funding the release of 36 Mafia’s secret country album. “Baby mamas don’t let yo kids grow up and sell swag” debuts this February.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Falling into a YouTube wormhole of videos about European colonialism, you’ll realize the irony of the Western powers waging two moral conflicts against a German empire. Fortunately, random clips of “Charlie Bit My Finger” will keep your white guilt at bay.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — You’ll make the harrowing decision this week to clean out the office fridge. After finding what you’re pretty sure are fossils from the paleolithic era, you’ll decide to let the refrigerator burn because paying for a new one would be safer.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — Excited for the upcoming Star Wars movie, you’ll spend the rest of November dressed a stormtrooper. It’ll be fine at first, until Leo in shipping and receiving tells human resources it’s one of his triggers. You’ll be put on administrative leave.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — You’ll have a “mannequin challenge” mishap at the Shoppes of Bel-Air when your portrayal of the plastic model will be so real you’ll get locked in a storage closet for the weekend. A maintenance crew will find you sucking on the outside of an A/C unit.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — At a family gathering for your in-laws in Point Clear, you’ll make the first party foul of the night when your inability to work a pitcher results in margarita slush all over the kitchen. You’ll be banned from future gatherings.