Aquarius (1/20-2/18) – An old friend will come to town and will insist on spending an evening downtown. The streets will be relatively calm, given the past two weeks’ Carnival madness and you will each enjoy several drinks at various watering holes. The night deteriorates as you will commandeer a laptop and proceed to use the city’s new Wi-Fi service to view porn on Cathedral Square. You will attract the attention of police when you boisterously complain about the buffering of the videos posted to your favorite, sleazy site. On the bright side, the juxtaposition of your surfing to the Cathedral will either earn you absolution or an E ticket to Hell.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) – Prepare for excitement, as your backyard will be consumed by a sinkhole. The incident will force you to replace a grill, a child’s swing set and the now-rusted trampoline your kids used for a day and then forgot about. Your dog will stop going outside on his own because of the tragedy, but at least it will cut down on the yard work. A stranger will bring you much joy, as you watch someone trip on the sidewalk. Try not to laugh out loud. It’s not nice.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) – You will be inspired to help the city after watching a movie at the local cinema. Unfortunately, the movie is the new, terrible remake of “Robocop.” You will affix garbage cans to your body and begin cruising the streets on foot. You will realize you’ve bitten off more than you can chew almost immediately when the neighbor’s dog begins to chase you down the street. On the bright side, your escapade is far more entertaining than the movie that inspired it. Don’t touch the stove. It’ll be hot.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20) – After weeks of cramming your face full of Carnival goodies, you will force yourself to go running. Halfway through your calorie-burning experience you will come up lame, having re-aggravated that old sports injury that everybody knows was actually caused by you sitting on the floor of a friend’s house and not by any athletic endeavor. You’re getting old, so do everybody a favor and stop lying to yourself. Your favorite sports team will make news this week, but for all the wrong reasons. The whole team will quit after getting bullied by the coaching staff.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21) – You and your significant other will bake cookies to help welcome the couple who moved in across the street. When you present the goodies to your neighbors they will immediately look offended. You’ll find out the duo that moved in participate in lousy, no good, vegan raw diets. In a rage over having to live nearby the only two vegans in town, you toss the cookies about and smash the crumbs deep into the ground. Upset over destroying perfectly good cookies, you will sulk off and put your house on the market the very next day.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) – Confusing “Reply All” for “Reply” again on your office email account, you will send message meant for a friend to everyone in the office. You will be unable to save face when your boss reads that you think he’s an over-hairy man-baby with bad breath. You might consider taking a computer literacy course before you embark on a new career. You will find a stray cat on the sidewalk this week, but whatever you do, don’t feed it. Two words: ring and worm.
Leo (7/23 – 8/23) – Forgetting that it was a fictional story from about 10 years ago, you will celebrate St. Patrick’s Day by drinking your weight in green beer and going on a drunken search for Crichton’s famous leprechaun. You will be accused of kidnapping when you mistakenly snatch a small child from the sidewalk, thinking the little one is the mythical creature. Your plan for glory is smashed when the kid’s father catches up to you. Avoid Irish Car Bombs during the holiday, the name for the drink sounds like an ethnic slur and you’re too old to enjoy one — either a slur or a powerful drink.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22) – You will experience a bathroom emergency while driving down Airport Boulevard during rush hour. You will swerve around and honk your horn in an attempt to get home before it’s too late. You always knew your aversion to dropping a deuce outside the confines of your own home might be a problem and it will be. That lambskin seat cover won’t stand a chance. There is a way around this, however, just avoid sloppy Joe Thursday, before they name it after you. You will buy a fish to help quell your feelings of loneliness, it won’t work and the fish will die in two days.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22) – You will meet your true love this week. The person will be wearing dark-rimmed glasses; loud, colorful socks and vintage threads from a store no one has heard of. Their favorite song will be whatever isn’t popular at the time, and they won’t own a television because it’s not cool to watch TV, man. On second thought, don’t fall for this person, it’s a trap. They will move out of their parent’s basement and leach onto you, like some hideous insect. Your lucky numbers this week are 9-1-1.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) – Remember the saying “dance like no one is watching?” Keep that in mind this week while attending an alcohol-free wedding. That saying only applies when alcohol is involved, otherwise you will get laughed at. Your lack of coordination will become apparent to you and the sober guests around you as you stumble through the Wobble. Not only will you become aware of all the eyes on you, but with no liquor, you won’t be able to forget the next morning. You will drop a box on your toe, while trying to help a friend move. It serves you right for being nice.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You will make a stranger’s day when you fall flat on your face on the sidewalk. Sure it’ll hurt, but at least someone is smiling because of it. You will brush yourself off and spin your head around to see if anyone was watching. You’ll convince yourself that no one was, but you’ll be wrong. That’ll teach you to walk and text at the same time. Don’t eat the complimentary snacks at your local bar, it’s not bad luck, it’s just gross.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19) – A trip to the dentist will go terribly wrong when the evil doctor will begin to drill you without the proper amount of Novocain. The instrument of pain in your mouth will keep you quiet, but your eyes will be screaming. You will start to get upset with the dentist until you realize the real reason for your pain goes back to the feast of MoonPies on which you gorged during Mardi Gras. You only have yourself to blame. If you give up caffeine for Lent, you and everyone around you will be sorry.