Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) — Most people get upset about stores skipping over Thanksgiving and putting out their Christmas stuff early, but you don’t. Christmas time means one thing — eggnog. Every year you have a two-month window to drink the creamy, booze-filled drink that tastes like melted ice cream. What a time to be alive. The best part about eggnog is to pretend like you don’t have bourbon in it at 9 a.m. Bottoms up! Lucky Black Friday steal: a dusty, bootlegged copy of “Fast & Furious” on DVD.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19) — It isn’t Christmas until you injure yourself in the midst of decorating while drunk. While trying to string Christmas lights at 6 a.m., you’ll tip the bar stool and take a pretty nasty fall. Good news is someone will find you quickly. However, the person who finds you will not be amused since you were decorating your favorite bar without permission. Have fun decorating your house with a broken arm. Lucky Black Friday steal: Garth Brooks “Blame It All On My Roots” Limited Edition Boxed Set.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — The bitterness between you and a Bammer or Barner will continue to grow until the Iron Bowl. It doesn’t stop when the game ends … it only gets worse. The tension in the room will be as thick as frozen peanut butter, which should be pretty thick. The second one of you talks, a fight will be on. Bridges will be burned. Lucky Black Friday steal: Rival Mini Dipper crockpot.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — Typically you’re not one of those people lining up at a store for Black Friday, but this year, you can’t resist the urge to get a cheap TV. Sure you’ve seen people on the news get into fights over TVs, toys or whatever, but you’re a levelheaded person. When the doors open, you’ll go in full “Hunger Games” mode. The odds will not be in your favor when you battle a surprisingly strong elderly person. In the moment of trying to determine if it’s OK to bitch slap granny, is when an opportunistic teenager rips the TV from both of you and runs. Lucky Black Friday steal: Family Collage Picture Frame.
Aries (3/21- 4/19) — You will laugh at an inappropriate time … an incredibly inappropriate time. It won’t be as bad as the girl who laughed through her speech on fetal alcohol syndrome in high school, but it will be very uncomfortable for everyone around you. The awkwardness will reach a fever pitch when you blow snot out of your nose. Lucky Black Friday steal: Russell Stovers Assorted Chocolates Jumbo Gift Box.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — With every native Mobilian likely to be in town for the holidays, now is the time for revenge against certain people from high school. Your revenge might be flaunting a job or new physique, but more likely it will probably be rolling someone’s parent’s house or forking their yard. You know, the real mature revenge. Nothing will be as sweet as seeing your nemesis looking tore up from the floor up. Lucky Black Friday steal: Nose hair trimmer.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — Over the holidays you’re going to feel incredibly old. You will be stuck with your teenage girl relative. She’ll purposely make you feel uncool when you don’t know what “ily” or “ratchet” means. The little brat will scoff at you for asking if she likes One Direction or Lady GaGa. You can shut her up by asking her if she can buy wine coolers on her own. Lucky Black Friday steal: Hello Kitty iPhone case for 3G.
Cancer (6/22-7-22) — You will witness someone so far in the friend zone that they might be in the family zone. A girl will be so oblivious that a guy likes her that she will use him to be her wingman. She’ll say, “He’s like my brother!” Being the caring soul you are, you will finally clue this poor girl in. He of course will turn red, deny it and try to set her up with the bartender. You can’t help everyone. Lucky Black Friday steal: Monster High Draculaura Doll & Jewelry Box Coffin.
Leo (7/23-8/22) — You will go on a hunt from one party to another in search of a person you hope will be your new boo. The elusive boo will text you from one location, only to move on to the other before you get there. The moment you think you’re never going to see your Moby Dick, you’ll spy your boo from across the room. Have fun publicly groping! Lucky Black Friday steal: Conair Foot Spa with Vibration & Heat.
Virgo (8/23-9/22) — Following a drunk family Thanksgiving, you’ll continue giving thanks by going to every bar in Mobile. Just like when you got the better end of the wishbone, you’ll get lucky on Dauphin. There’s something about the holidays that makes everyone generous. Of course, you won’t be looking your best in the morning after a lot of turkey and even more liquor. You might want to sneak out to preserve your dignity. Lucky Black Friday steal: a half bottle of wine you find in a parking lot.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Preparing your hot chocolate one evening, you’ll have a very unfortunate accident. After tripping, the scalding milk will land somewhere extra sensitive … extremely sensitive. You will debate having a medical professional look at the burn, but ultimately you will wisely seek help. The package wasn’t lying when it said you will make warm chocolatey memories. Lucky Black Friday steal: Holiday Memories Jar Candle.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — You will make the mistake of going to an Iron Bowl Party where you are your team’s only supporter. As soon as you step in yelling a Roll Tide or War Eagle, the silence will be shocking. This will be like one of those “choose your own adventure stories.” If you stay, you’ll probably get in a fight. If you leave, you will probably save yourself from a beating, but you won’t save any face. Sometimes it’s better to walk away and watch the game at a bar … where you will get into a fight anyway. Lucky Black Friday steal: a black eye from fighting for a Furby.
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