Scorpio (10/23-11/21) — Fresh off of pushing Draconian regulations against golf cart use on the Fairhope pier, the City Council will consider similarly restrictive rules for domesticated poultry. You’ve long awaited the day when Fairhope residents would welcome your love for rare Russian hens, but the city’s ordinance will prohibit the rare birds because of their disruptive mating vocalizations. You’ll start a social media campaign using the hashtag #Henghazi, which will ultimately earn you a recurring guest spot on Fox News’ afternoon lineup.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/22) — As a Baldwin County resident who boycotts USA football games because you fear a night trip to the neighborhood around Ladd-Peebles Stadium, you’ll be even more appalled by a proposed on-campus stadium even deeper into the heart of Mobile. You’ll continue to openly support the Jags on social media and wish the team the best, but you’ll be happy to continue your Saturday tradition of watching the final score scroll by on the ESPN ticker instead of ever leaving the comparative safety of the Eastern Shore.
Capricorn (12/23-1/19) — In the wake of an international terrorism incident, you’ll race to the top of the moral high ground on your Facebook timeline. You won’t take a minute to #PrayForParis or thoughtfully consider the implications of a widespread attack on a major city, but you will be the first of your friends to make a “nonpolitical” post that shows how smart you are. Your profile pic will be blue, white and red for a day, but will quickly change back to crimson and white when Saturday rolls around.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18) — You’ll give up on the NFL after being unable to deal with Carolina Panthers cornerback Josh Norman being fined $5,000 for wearing a tribute to his veteran grandfather on his uniform. While that might be enough to ruin your fandom on its own any other season, the point will be driven home by the fact that Greg Hardy — who was convicted of assaulting an ex-girlfriend and then likely paid her off to avoid jail — has yet to face disciplinary action.
Pisces (2/19-3/20) — You’ll get a cushy new job as a content creator marketing social-media campaigns to high school girls. While creating enough posts to satisfy the market demand will be a challenge, writing catchprashes like, “If he loves you, he won’t treat you all bad. If he treats you all bad, he doesn’t love you” will not. After a few productive months of the task, you’ll get a coveted promotion as the East Coast Director of Kitten Videos. Set sail, your ship has come in.
Aries (3/21-4/19) — At his stop in Mobile this week, your passion for fabricating stories and backtracking when you’re called out will catch the eye Dr. Ben Carson and land you a position on his staff. In charge of distorting biblical facts and discrediting reports from middle-of-the-road news outlets, you’ll make quite the splash in Washington — eventually riding the doctor’s coattails all the way to the White House, which Carson believes was first occupied by King Herod in 30 B.C.
Taurus (4/20-5/20) — You’ll cave from exhaustion after unsuccessfully trying to convince co-workers of the plight of the American penguin. The failure could be from your inability to cohesively craft an argument, or it could be because the animal of which you speak doesn’t actually exist. Whatever the issue, you’ll continue to make impassioned speeches about other figments of your imagination, including the blue cheetah, wooly rhinoceros and Alaskan kangaroo.
Gemini (5/21-6/21) — You’ll take a college-like nostalgia trip to the website catsthatlooklikehitler.com. You’ll gleefully peruse the week’s selection of “kitlers” and wonder how such a site was born. You’ll admit you’ve never been a cat person, but many, many cats do, in fact, look like Hitler. Inspired by the site, you’ll create a companion page called “dogsthatlooklikemarx.com.” It’s not nearly as captivating, as too few people post photos of members of the “pupletariat.” The page will soon cease to exist.
Cancer (6/22-7/22) — Inspired by a Russian quasi-dictator, you’ll write your first musical called “Putin on the Ritz.” The opening number will be a sweeping trot through the plot points and will feature a shirtless lead on horseback. Other songs will amuse the conservatives you know, as they will negatively compare President Obama to the Russian president. The ending theme will show a victorious Russia in a positive light. It will be universally panned by critics in the “liberal” Northeast, but loved by the hardworking, blue-collar folks in the South.
Leo (7/23-8/23) — The Force Awakens at the office after the Party Planning Committee inadvertently schedules the Christmas Festivus the day the new “Star Wars” movie premieres. What starts as a simple disagreement over an honest mistake devolves into a nerd deathmatch between those favoring the Lord of The Rings franchise over George Lucas’ silly “space opera/fantasy.” The decision will be made to settle the dispute in Mobile’s new ice skating rink on New Year’s Day, with a winner-takes-all skate-off and fencing match featuring Gandalf’s staff and Luke’s lightsaber.
Virgo (8/24-9/22) — In an attempt to prevent the five-alarm fire you sparked frying a turkey for the first time last year, you’ll take a few days off work to experiment on displacement and temperature. Never an enthusiast of pesky math, you’ll conclude the easiest method is to use a larger fryer. Finding nothing on the retail market to suit your needs, you’ll eventually borrow a dunk tank from the local Shriners. The children and men of the neighborhood will admire your invention, lining up with cash in hand to hurl baseballs at the target mechanism. As the novelty spreads nationwide, you’ll receive the annual George Washington Carver award from the peanut oil industry.
Libra (9/23-10/22) — Befuddled by McDonald’s new McPick 2 menu, you’ll include it and the recent decision to eliminate their dollar menu to a long list of corporate misdeeds you maintain, purely out of personal curiosity. Among the other great Golden Arches mysteries on your list: the McRib; the McRib season; the McNugget; the McMuffin; the Filet-O-Fish; the Hash Brown (singular); occasional use of the words “artisan” or “premium.” A word of caution: Don’t dig too deep, the Hamburglar is actually a trained assassin.